The 'N' Files:
a Beetlejuice Fanfiction
Cynthia "Sparky" Read

"You know, you really should visit your parents more often," Lydia told Beetlejuice as they neared the house. "I'm sure they would like to see more of you."

"Sorry Lyds," replied the ghost, "but this is all there is of me. Besides, you know how I can't stand these visits." He shivered. "Even worse, Mom said she had a surprise for me."

Lydia frowned. "Why would that be worse?"

"Trust me, it'll be worse." They walked up the porch steps to the front door. "Now, remember the story: I have a job interview so we can't stay long. That story will kill two birds with one stone!"

Lydia rolled her eyes. "I wish you wouldn't lie to your parents," she said. "That's about as wrong as you can get."

"Just bear with me, babes," said her friend, knocking on the door.

They were immediately greeted by Bee, Beetlejuice's ever-cheerful mother. She shooed them inside the house, welcoming them warmly.

"It's always so nice to see you, Lydia," beamed Bee. "Now if we could only see more of Beetle..."

Beetlejuice made a face. "Where's Pop?" he asked.

"Out puttering in the yard--you know your father. Always trying to improve a landscape we haven't got. Can I get anyone something to eat...drink?"

Although Beetlejuice and Lydia refused refreshments, both soon found themselves helped to cookies and lemonade.

Bee clasped her hands together. "Well!" she exclaimed. "We've dawdled long enough! It's time for the surprise!"

Beetlejuice looked likely to choke on his cookie. Lydia was bursting with curiosity.

"Gnat!" Bee called out the kitchen window, "come inside! The kids are here!"

There was a steady clomping, then Beetlejuice's huge father appeared at the back door.

"Wipe your feet!" exclaimed Bee. "Don't track mud all over my clean floor!"

Gnat did what he was told and came inside to join the group in the kitchen. He greeted the pair, then led the way to the sitting room.

"This will be such a surprise!" Bee was enthusing, practically bubbling over. "We were quite surprised ourselves, weren't we dear?"

Gnat mumbled something in reply.

They entered the sitting room and looked around. A woman seated on the loveseat gazed coolly back at them.

And Beetlejuice screamed.

"That's the enthusiasm I was hoping for!" cried Bee.

Beetlejuice trembled in his boots. "It--" he began. "It's...It's her!"

Bee frowned. "Well go in and say hello! Where are your manners!" And she gave her son a push forward.

The woman smiled wanly. "Hello, Beetle," she said evenly.

Beetlejuice took a deep breath. "Hello...Frizzi," he said at last, almost spitting out the name as if it tasted bitter.

"Now isn't that nice!" Bee flitted into the room. "And aren't you surprised? You two haven't seen eachother in so long! How long has it been, dear?"

"Since we graduated from Ghoul School together," Frizzi answered, not taking her eyes off of Beetlejuice.

Lydia was confused. This Frizzi was certainly beautiful, especially by Beetlejuice's standards. She was tall and thin--she looked like a model--and yet her friend seemed positively repulsed by her. What part of Beetlejuice's past had he never told her?

Frizzi uncrossed her legs and moved to one side of the loveseat. "Well?" she asked. "Aren't you going to sit down?"

"Yes," Bee reprimanded, giving her son another push. "And introduce Lydia."

Beetlejuice grumbled an introduction and reluctantly sat down as far away from Frizzi as he could.

"Oh!" cried Bee, raising her hands to the ceiling. "I've forgotten all about my cake. Be right back!" She headed back to the kitchen. Gnat, assuming his part was over, escaped back to the yard.

Lydia sat in an armchair. "," she began. "You went to school with Beetlejuice?"

Frizzi regarded Lydia with her large dark eyes. "Ghoul School, yes," she replied. "Preschool as well."

"What about in between?"

"My mother moved to the other side of the Neitherworld," explained the tall ghost. "It was just coincidence that Beetle and I attended the same Ghoul School, and had the same job."

It occurred to Lydia that while she knew about Beetlejuice's experiences in kindergarten and high school, he had never mentioned Ghoul School. Except--

"Didn't your Uncle Sid and Aunt Irma put you through Ghoul School?" Lydia asked her friend.

"Hm?" Beetlejuice tore his gaze from where he had confined it to a nearby lamp to look at Lydia. "Oh, yeah. Well, workstudy jobs don't quite cover everything, you know."

"Well, what was the job?"

Beetlejuice and Frizzi glanced at eachother.

"Oh, you don't want to know that," said Beetlejuice hastily.

"Very boring," agreed Frizzi.

Before Lydia could protest, Bee returned with an enormous cake.

"And how is everyone getting on?" she chirped.

"Fine," said everyone.

"Good, good!" cried Bee, setting the cake down on a coffee table. "Has Frizzi told you the good news, Beetle?"

Beetlejuice looked startled. "There's good news, now?"

"I was just getting to that, Mrs. Juice," Frizzi cut in. She turned to Beetlejuice. "I just got back in the neighborhood--" she began, "--to stay. Your mother tells me there's a vacancy in your building's attic."

Beetlejuice was speechless.

"It would be just perfect for Frizzi!" chimed in Bee, descending on the cake with a dangerous-looking knife. "Frizzi is an artist," Bee explained to Lydia in an aside. "That attic would make a fine studio!"

"Oh," said Lydia, then turned to Frizzi. "Are you a painter?"

Frizzi shook her head. "Sculptor," she said.

"Oh," said Lydia again. "You know, my mother sculpts...She uses plaster, mostly. What medium do you use?"


Lydia blinked. "Did you say, 'garbage'?"

"That's right," replied the tall ghost. "I'm a Garbage Artist."

Again, Lydia was confused. Beautiful, and a Garbage Artist? And still Beetlejuice didn't like her?

"Beetle," prompted Bee, hacking great chunks out of the cake, "do you have Mr. Crumb's number to give to Frizzi?"

Defeated, Beetlejuice fished his landlord's pager number out of his suit and gave it to Frizzi. She thanked him quietly and tucked the paper into her vest.

"Call Mr. Crumb right away," Bee told Frizzi. "You know, that attic is actually part of Beetle's unit, so you'll save eachother some money."

"Thank you, Mrs. Juice."

Bee paused in her busy job of mutilating the pastry to beam. "Oh, so polite!" she commented. "Now, if only Beetle could find himself a girl as nice and polite as you." She threw her son a prodding stare.

Frizzi and Beetlejuice looked at eachother with some distaste. "Mom!" cried Beetlejuice. "Stop trying to set Frizzi and me up!"

"Oh, fiddlesticks," pouted Bee, levering bits and pieces of the cake onto plates. "You two were made for eachother and you know it! Now, stop being stubborn."

Frizzi made a harrumphing sound. Beetlejuice turned red and attempted to hide behind a throw pillow.

And Lydia gave up. They clearly didn't like eachother, and that was that.

But as Bee distributed plates of decimated cake, Lydia couldn't help but wonder:

What were they trying to hide?

~End of Prologue~


Story copyright 1998 by Cyndie "Sparky" Read. All characters are copyright the Geffen Film Company, except for Frizzi, who is copyright Cyndie "Sparky" Read.