Mystery Men
a Universal Picture
transcript of the film by
C. "Sparky" Read
(sparky@theneitherworld.com)

[Camera flies through clouds, opening title.]

[Various shots of Champion City. It is night.]

[Inside a nursing home.]
(Doc Heller offers an old woman some candy.)
Heller: Would you like something sweet?
Old Woman: Ooh.
(He winks at her.)
(Just then the Red Eyes, a gang clad all in black with red goggles, 
burst in. They are led by Big Red.)
Big Red: What do we got here fellas, an antique show? All right 
boys, fan out! What a wrinklefest this is! Hey beat it you broads, 
come on! All right, sit down and shut up! We're the Red Eyes, so 
everybody freeze! Get their valuables boys. I want watches, wallets, 
jewlery. Get me some silver chains. I want wigs, I want toupees. (to 
old man who just handed over a false eye) Keep an eye out for me 
willya?
(A Red Eye yanks off the old man's false arm and tosses it away.)
Old man: No no no, mine! Leave me alone! I'm a veteran! Oh no! 
No not that, no!
Big Red: I love crashing parties. Hey, cake!
Blue Raja: Pardon me, Fatty! 
Big Red: Huh?
Raja: But if you're going to eat cake, you ought to use a fork!
(He hurls a fork at Big Red and it sticks right in his mouth.)
Shoveler: You might just as well shovel it in.
(Knocks Big Red out with his shovel.)
Mr. Furious: People who don't close their mouths when they chew 
make me furious. (He goes into a bellowing display of fury.)
Raja: One for you. (throws fork, misses) Drat. And for you. 
(throws, knocks over pitcher into bedpan)
Furious: (fighting) Come on, come on. Want a little whipped 
cream, Mr. Cherry Top?
Red Eyes: Get him. Yeah!
Furious: Is that all you got, huh? Is that all you--oof!
Shoveler: (is being assulted by a Red Eye, shouts to Raja) Throw 
it!
Raja: Not today, my vermillion-eyed varlet. (throws spoon by 
mistake, it bounces off harmlessly) Oh, blast.
Red Eye: Get out of the way!
Raja: Yes, this one should stick. (throws fork, hits Shoveler in 
rear) Oh, I--(gets a wedgie from Red Eyes) Oh my! That's way too 
tight!
Shoveler: (hits Furious in face w/ shovel by accident) Ooh.
(Captain Amazing bursts in.)
Old woman: Oh it's Captain Amazing!
Red Eye: It's Amazing!
Another Red Eye: I'm outta here!
(Amazing makes short work of the Red Eyes.)
Victor, Amazing's publicist: (hands Amazing a towel) C.A. You 
were, if I may say, amazing.
Amazing: Yeah?
Victor: Yeah. Let's go meet the press.
(Shoveler, Raja, and Furious are picking themselves up painfully.)
Shoveler: Boy he /is/ good.
Raja: He is rather ripping, isn't he? With the spinning and the 
hurting and the kicking...
Furious: I guarantee you he hogs the credit on this one.
Raja: Well I do think we have to at least concede him the assist 
here, Roy.
Furious: No, no. You see? That's exactly what's holding us back. 
Don't put him on the pedestal, put /us/ on the pedestal.
Shoveler: Here he comes.
(Shoveler and Raja run after Amazing.)
Raja: Bravo and huzzah, Captain. Splendid work, as usual.
Victor: No no no. No autographs 'till we finish with the press.
Raja: Oh no, we're not--Allow me to intoduce myself. Blue Raja, 
master of silverware, forks a speciality, at your service. My 
collegue, the Shoveler.
Shoveler: Big fan of your work.
Raja: Yes and, standing rather painfully aside is our cohort, Mr. 
Furious.
Furious: How's it hanging?
Amazing: Oh, so you guys, um...(to Victor) They're superheroes.
Victor: Okay. Oh.
Raja: Well, not very--
Shoveler: We fight crime. Call it what you will.
Raja: Quite right.
Amazing: That's great, that's great. Just, you know--keep up the 
good work. (he and Vic move off)
Raja: You as well, sir! You as well! ...Did you see--Did you--Did 
you hear that? "Keep up the good work" he said, "The /good/ 
work."
Furious: He's making fun of us.
Shoveler: No, Roy, he saluted us. That was real.
Raja: I thought he was sincere.
(Doc Heller approaches them.)
Heller: What's up, fellas?
Raja: Hello, nice to see you, hello.
Heller: I saw the action out there tonight. What you guys need is a 
little firepower.
Shoveler: Well...
Heller: I'm a weapons designer. (grabs Shoveler's collar) I've got 
what you need.
Shoveler: A--All right. We'll--we'll come back. We'll visit all of you 
people, later. Thank you, sir.
Heller: No no no no no. I--I don't live here. I'm here for the ladies. 
You know. Here, take my card. 

+------------------------------------------------+
|Aromatherapy                  Laser Hair Removal|
|               Doctor A. Heller                 |
|               Weapons Designer                 |
|              Innovator, Inventor               |
|                 World Changer                  |
|                                                |
|                 Old Funhouse                   |
|              Heller Fairgrounds                |
|              Test Site Number 7                |
|Carnival Rides                   Chicken Rentals|
+------------------------------------------------+

My name's Heller. Say it with me.
Heller&Shoveler: Heller.
Shoveler: All right. Thank you. (he absently puts Heller's card in his 
pocket)
Raja: Good night.
Furious: I don't know why you encourage those people.
Shoveler: Those people look up to us, Roy.
Furious: Oh, that's true.

[Outside, the press are teeming.]
Victor: You know the drill.
Little boy: Please sign my hat, Captain Amazing. (Amazing shoves 
him aside)
Amazing: Herman, give me a flash. (poses with old man in 
wheelchair for photo, then shoves him away) Hey, how are you 
tonight?
Becky, a reporter: Captain, how did you know where to find the 
Red Eyes?
Amazing: Becky, it's...what I do.
Another Reporter: Thanks to you the city is almost crime-free. So 
what do you do with your free time?
Amazing: I wish that I had some free time.
Becky: People are saying that you're so 'amazing' you're going to 
put yourself out of a job. Have any comments on that?
Amazing: That's one problem I look forward to.
Becky: And is it true that you lost your Pepsi endorsement?
Amazing: (glances at Vic) I...hadn't heard that.
Victor: Thanks so much for your questions. Thank all of you.
Becky: You sure, Captain, you have no comments regarding your 
Pepsi situation?
(Amazing's limo drives away.)

[Outside the nursing home.]
(Two cops, Funk and Maguire, notice Shoveler, Raja, and Furious 
leaving.)
Funk: Oh, look who we got.
Maguire: You again. Wanna-bes. The city already has a superhero. 
Perhaps you've heard of him? Captain Amazing.
Raja: Thank you.
Roy: Do yourself a favor, Maguire.
Raja: Let it go, Roy.
Furious: Don't flip my switch tonight.
Raja: Be big.
Maguire: Oh yeah? And what exactly would that do?
Shoveler: Don't turn around, Roy. Don't do it.
Raja: Don't do anything.
Shoveler: Don't turn around. Keep walking, Roy.
Raja: It's not worth it.
Furious: I think you know exactly what that would 
do...checkerhead.
Maguire: What?
Furious: Don't mess with the volcano, my man. 'Cause I...will go 
Pompeii on your...butt.
Cops: Boo.
All: Augh!
Shoveler: Oh golly. Good grief.
Maguire: You keep dreaming, wanna-be. Let's go.
Funk: Dream on, moron.
Furious: I will keep dreaming. I will keep dreaming, my friend. And 
when I wake up, you'd better hope...you better hope you're asleep.
Raja: Don't reeingage him, Roy. He's a silly--
Furious: Sweet dreams!
Raja: He's immature.
Furious: ...Lilac!

[In Amazing's limo.]
Victor: C.A., I'm doing my best.
Amazing: Oh, your best. Uh. Quick question: (rips off Pepsi patch 
& throws it at Victor) is this your best?
Victor: Okay, I realize you're upset.
Amazing: Victor, I'm positioned. Okay? Do you understand what 
that means? On a very personal level--here--to know that the 
companies that make these fine products want me to be their 
spokesperson? Their voice?
Victor: I think now that we should focus on the positive. Tonight 
was good.
Amazing: Yeah? You think so? 'Cause I was worried it was--um, 
you know--pathetic! "Amazing Triumphs At a Nursing Home!" 
That's great copy, Vic.
Victor: Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. If you want big news, 
you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain and, 
thanks to you, we've got none left.
Amazing: Then get the...Deathman.
Victor: Deathman is dead.
Amazing: Okay. Father Doom.
Victor: Life without parole. Apocalypta's doing 50 years. 
Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron vonChaos got the chair.
Amazing: Really?
Victor: Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nuthouse...
Amazing: Casanova Frankenstein. Now there was a supervillain. 
You know he just...he got those eyes, you know...(tries to do the 
expression) I can't do it. And that voice--what pure evil. The battles 
we used to have. Extraordinary.
Victor. "Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to."
(Close on Amazing's thoughtful expression.)

[And at the Sanitarium...]
(The Board Of Directors sits at a long table.)
Man: Let the record show, this parole hearing has officially begun.
(Casanova Frankenstein, hands chanied, is led to a chair before the 
council.)
Banyon: We now commence the 7th parole hearing of Casanova 
Frankenstein. Dr. Leek, you may begin.
Leek: Thank you. Gentlemen of the board, the man who sits before 
you, the once infamous evil genius, is entirely cured.
(Gasps all around.)
Banyon: What?
Leek: I give you my word that he is of no more danger to the city 
now, than I am.
Banyon: This is outrageous.
Member of the Board: Yes.
Banyon: Mr. Casanova Frankenstein. Do you have anything to say 
on your own behalf?
Casanova: Blessed disciples of Hippocrates, my heart is split in 
two. It brims with such sorrow for my abominable crimes. And yet, 
it swells with love...for you. For this...this sanctuary, this...this 
place of healing. Within my soul, I feel the choir 
singing...Beethoven's immortal "Ode To Joy"...where all 
men...become...brothers!
(Lance bangs the door on his way in.)
Lance: Am I too late to cast my vote?
Banyon: Not at all, Lance. I was just about to remind the board that 
Casanova once had our city in a stranglehold of terror. Parole is not 
an option for this man...this, this monster. We cannot risk the 
danger of releasing him.
Lance: I cannot agree with you more.
Banyon: Excellent.
Lance: However, I uh, I did just have dinner with an old friend 
recently. Maybe you've heard of him...Captain Amazing?
(Murmers.)
Lance: And he asked, if I would, to read this: "Dear members of the 
board, we all know that society cannot exist without absolute 
justice. But society is also built upon...compassion. Let us set the 
tone for the new millenium by making an historic gesture of 
forgiveness. (We see now that it is a grocery list) Ladies and 
gentlemen, I implore you, let us grant Casanova Frankenstein a 
second chance."
Banyon: Oh well, um...With Captain Amazing's recommendation 
and protection, I suppose we could consider. I pronounce 
you...cured. (stamps document with large word CURED)

[Casanova speeds away in the back of his limo.]
Casanova: Hello...Champion City. Daddy...is home.

[At Lakeside Diner.]
(On TV, Amazing throws aside some badguys.)
Amazing: Hi, everybody. You know, tooth decay and gingivitis can 
be a crime. That's why I use Mighty Whity toothpaste. Because I 
want my teeth to look...amazing.
Furious: (turns off TV) I'm gonna bring this up again. It's a hundred 
and fifty bucks apiece, we each chip in. My cousin knows this guy, 
who knows a publicist.
Shoveler: What are we gonna publicize, Roy? That we get our butts 
kicked, a lot?
Furious: Well maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a 
shovel every time we went out, we'd have some more wins to brag 
about.
Shoveler: All right, now. I'm sorry about that. I've just got a 
tendancy to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck 
in my rear end.
Raja: Oh oh, I get it. So your shovel in his face is my fault.
Shoveler: You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.
Furious: Yeah, what was up with that?
Raja: I'm frightfully embarrassed about that. I--I thought it was a 
fork.
Shoveler: You're the master of cutlery. You can't throw a knife, 
sometimes?
Raja: No I can't. You--You can't use a rake, sometimes?
Shoveler: No, I'm the Shoveler.
Raja: Well I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stabman, I'm not...Knifey-
Boy. I'm the Blue Raja.
Furious: That's another thing.
Raja: What?
Furious: I mean, you could get a little bit of blue in the uniform, 
somewhere.
Shoveler: Really.
Furious: You've got green. There's like a little flowery thing 
happening, but there's like, everything but--
Shoveler: It doesn't make a lot of sense.
Raja: If we could just step out of our literal minds for just one 
moment--
Furious: Hey. Ooh. Look what I'm doing. Look at that. I'm putting 
a hundred and fifty right on the table. Who's in with me?
Raja: I don't have one-fifty, now do I? If I did, I wouldn't have 
plundered my mother's silverware.
Shoveler: It's a waste of money.
Furious: You know who doesn't think it's a waste of money? Little 
Mr. Captain Amazing.
Shoveler: Well, Captain--If we had a billionare like Lance Hunt as 
our benefactor, yeah, we could spend one-fifty.
Furious: Yeah well that's 'cause Lance Hunt /is/ Captain Amazing.
Shoveler: Oh, don't start that again.
Raja: Oh, here we go.
Shoveler: Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing doesn't wear 
glasses.
Furious: He takes them off when he transforms.
Shoveler: That doesn't make any sense. He wouldn't be able to see.
(The waitress, Monica, steps up to their booth.)
Monica: Hi, thanks for waiting.
Furious: Hey, thanks for dropping by. 
Monica: Do you know what you want?
Furious: Mm-hmm.
Raja: If you will allow me to begin, my dear. The Blue Raja is 
quite partial to the salad au sois, my dressing of choice is rancho 
light, and I'd appreciate it if you'd hold the bacon bits. However, 
seeing as it's your first night and all, I suppose I'll fork-give you if 
you fork-get. (he tries to laugh at his own lame joke and gives up)
Who's next?
Shoveler: Can I get a meatball sandwich on white with mayo.
Furious: I'll have a steak, please. Very rare. That means pink, not 
bloody. And can I get some ice? I had a little mishap defending 
justice over at the nursing home tonight.
Monica: Oh I thought I heard on TV that was Captain Amazing.
Furious: Ha! Oh. Okay. Let's all be good little automaton droids 
and believe everything we hear on TV.
Monica: I'll just go place your order now.
(She leaves.)
Raja: A trifle strident with that bit of crumpet weren't we, 
Furious?
Furious: Well, I /am/ a ticking timebomb of fury.

[Later, outside Lakeside Diner.]
Raja: All I'm saying is, that when we split the check three ways, 
the steakeater picks the pocket of the saladman.
Shoveler: Just give me the money, Jeff.
Raja: Yes, fine.
Shoveler: Every time, we split it three ways.
Raja: Fine. It's flipping robbery.
Shoveler: Well you should order more.
Furious: Ho. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Do you see what I see?
(An extravagent car pulls up and the Disco-attired Tony P and 
Tony C step out.)
Raja: Hello.
Shoveler: It's Tony C.
Raja: And Tony P, leader of the Disco Boys. But why, pray tell, 
would he be back in town?
Furious: Maybe it's time to do a little following to find out.
Shoveler: No, it's already ten-thirty. I'm going to get killed by my 
wife as it is.
Raja: Yes and I've had quite enough excitement for one night, 
thank you.
Furious: Oh, okay. I'm sorry, my mistake. I thought I was hanging 
out with a couple of serious superheroes: the Shoveler and the Blue 
Raja. But apparently I'm hanging out with La-Z-Boy 
and...and...and...
Shoveler: Good night, Roy.
Raja: Yes, toodle-oo.
Furious: Hang on a second. La-Z-Boy and...and 
the...the...the..And--and the Recliner! Yeah, La-Z-Boy and the 
Recliner! Guys, are you coming? Are you...Great. Okay, fine. I 
guess tonight the lone wolf...hunts...alone. (Starts motorcycle 
violently, getting smacked in the groin by the seat.) 
Testicles...rising. Can't breathe. Can't breathe...Ow! Ow!

[The Shoveler's house.]
(Shoveler pulls his station wagon into the driveway, stopping on 
top of a Chomper dinosaur stuffed toy. He goes to pull it out and it 
rips in half. He goes inside. He kisses Lucille.)
Lucille: Butch needs his vest back. He's got a game on Saturday.
Shoveler: Well it's my vest too, I bought it for him. The only thing I 
need-(she looks at him) Okay.
Lucille: How long you gonna do this, Eddie? It's been 12 years.
Shoveler: I know.
Lucille: You got a family to look after, Eddie. The kids are worried 
sick about you. But still you go out night after night, running 
around the city...for what?
Shoveler: Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very 
well.
Lucille: Oh, baby. You shovel better than any man I've ever known. 
But that does not make you a superhero.
Shoveler: All I--
Lucille: No no no no. You're a good husband...and a good father, 
but that's all. Nothing more.
Shoveler: ...You're right.
Roland, the youngest son: I believe in you, Daddy.
Lucille: Oh. Roland, do not encourage your father.

[The Blue Raja's house.]
(Raja is in his incense smoke-filled bedroom, practicing another 
encounter with the Red Eyes.)
Raja: Well well well. If it isn't our old friends the Red Eyes. Good 
evening gentlemen. We weren't expecting to see you again so 
spoon--(brandishes spoon and drops it) Damn. Red Eyes, Red 
Eyes, Red Eyes. What a treat. We weren't expecting to see you 
again so...Spoon!
(His mother pokes her head in the room.)
Mother: Jeffrey.
(Raja whips off his turban, hides the spoon, and drops his British 
accent.)
Raja: Yeah--Mom, how many times have I asked you not to just 
barge in here?
Mother: What's burning?
Raja: Incense. Mom, I can't even count how many rules you are 
breaking right now. One: Always knock. Two: Don't sniff around 
outside my door. Three: Do not interrogate me.
Mother: Jeffrey.
Raja: What?
Mother: Are you on the marijuana?
Raja: Mom--You...you're cheesing me off so bad right now, just 
please--Good night.
Mother: All right I'm leaving, I'm sorry.
Raja: Good night.
Mother: Jeffrey, please! Okay--Good night, Jeffrey.
(He shoos her out.)
Raja: God, she's just so--(sits on the business end of a fork) Aiee!

[Casanova's mansion.]
(The Disco Boys drive in through the gate. Furious arrives on his 
motorcycle and pushes it into the bushes.)
Furious: Ooh, woah. All right, let's see what's shaking over at the 
Chez Casa...Casanova.

[Inside the mansion's Disco Room.]
Casanova: Ah! The old Disco Room. Just as I left it.
Tony P: You've been locked up for 20 years, Casanova. A lot of 
things have changed since then.
Casanova: It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and 
styles have changed. To hear the people saying that disco is dead.
Tony P: Disco is /not/ dead! Disco is life!
Casanova: Yes, Tony, that is the passion I remember. Stick with 
me, Tony, and you will dance again...when I rule this town. (Leek 
enters) Have you met my psychiatrist?

[Back outside.]
Furious: Come out come out wherever you--There we go! Looks 
like we got a little terrace party.

[On a balcony.]
Casanova: Tony, I want you to spread the word to all of my gangs. 
Tell them that Casanova Frankenstein is back and that Casanova 
Frankenstein is planning something...a little bit different. (Leek 
shows him her watch) Kaboom.
(The Sanitarium explodes in the distance.)

[Outside.]
Furious: Ooh! Mama Pajama! What kind of crazy man blows up a 
crazy house?

[Balcony.]
Casanova: And now, if you will excuse me, I am expecting a visit 
from a very old friend.
(He goes inside.)

[Outside.]
(Through his binoculars, Furious sees Amazing flying towards the 
mansion.)
Furious: Ooh, look what we got. A little booty call from Captain 
Amazing.

[Inside.]
(Casanova has a drink.)
Casanova: Mmm. Oh, this is a fine, elegant...Harvey Wallbanger.
(Amazing strides in from the balcony.)
Amazing: Even when it's sucked by scum like you?
Casanova: Captain Amazing. What a surprise.
Amazing: Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of 
freedom, and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew 
you couldn't change.
Casanova: I knew you'd know that.
Amazing: Oh, I know that. And I knew you'd know I'd know you 
knew.
Casanova: But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. 
Did you know that?
Amazing: ...Of course.
Casanova: Please, won't you join me?
Amazing: With pleasure. Oh, quick thought. Would you mind 
removing the submicronic laser in the ring on the index finger of 
your left hand?
Casanova: Of course.
Amazing: And, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, go ahead and 
disengage the psychotropic bacterium dart launchers in your 
slippers.
Casanova: Done.
Amazing: The cold fusion ultrasonic neuro-stunner in your drink 
stirrer: turn it off.
Casanova: We know eachother so well, don't we...Lance?
Amazing: Well we've always been eachother's greatest 
nemesises...Nemesi...Nemesee...W--What's the plural on that?
Casanova: Nemeses.
Amazing: Whatever.You're going to prison for life this time, 
Casanova. You see, here in Champion City we still do a fairly brisk 
trade...in justice.
Casanova: I thought it was all about the publicity and keeping your 
sponsors happy.
Amazing: See, it's that kind of cynicism that I truly feel is starting to 
poison society. Oh, looky here: a multi-frequency radio detonator. 
You should be more careful when discarding incriminating 
evidence.
Casanova: Oh no no no no. This is an amusing little gizmo. It's 
really quite cool.
Amazing: Yeah? W--What is it? (it goes off with a puff of smoke) 
Yuch.
Casanova: It's a chloroform-deploying portable enticement snare.
Amazing: Aw dang! (passes out)
Casanova: Oh, Lancie...You really are so predictable.

[In Sally's Autoyard, the next day.]
Furious: Morning, Sally!
Sally: You're late!
Furious: Yes, I know. I was up all night, trying to defend the city 
from evil...but I'm sure you don't really care about that--
Sally: Work starts at nine! It's nine twenty-five!
Furious: Ooh, so I guess all the junk's probably ruined by now.
Sally: Hey sucker, when are you gonna tear down that jeep like I 
told you to?
Furious: Okay, I thought we went through this yesterday. That old 
jeep is actually an armored car of some type. It was meant to 
withstand bombs. I can't just rip it apart with a crowbar.
Sally: Just junk it!
Furious: Maybe if you gave me the proper tools, I could--
Sally: Junk it!
Furious: All right, you know what? I'm willing to have this 
discussion with you, but I think we should deal with it like two 
people who respect--
(She grabs his goggles, which are slung around his neck, and pulls 
him close.)
Sally: I want it junked.
Furious: Okay. Right now I'm kinda like a powder keg, and you're 
the match. If you tell me to junk it one more time--
Sally: Junk it now! You got that?
Furious: (grabs up a stress ball, squeezes it frantically, and then
drops it) That little sucker just saved your life.
Sally: (laughs) Just junk it, you miserable cuss.

[Out in the autoyard.]
(Furious attempts to tear the Herkimer battle jitney apart w/ a crowbar and
fails. The radio is on.)
Radio Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you breaking 
news. Champion City's best-known billionare, Lance Hunt, has 
disappeared. Police hope to enlist the help of Captain Amazing in 
the search for Hunt, but have so far failed to contact the city's 
beloved superhero.

[Casanova's lab.]
(Amazing is strapped in a chair underneath a diabolical-looking 
machine. Casanova and Leek smirk at him.)
Casanova: He makes a wonderful trophy, don't you think?
Amazing: Listen, I really think we need to talk about your plans 
here.
Casanova: Here are my plans, Lancie: Tomorrow night, I'm going 
to kill you.
Amazing: Right. That's the part that really doesn't work for me.
Casanova: When the clock strikes twelve: Cukoo! Cukoo! You will 
be dead. And my city will be given a new state of mind.
Amazing: Well, listen, clearly you gotta go with what you're 
comfortable with, but I don't know--I keep coming back to this 
place and...I'm spitballing here, but maybe we release the Captain to 
the authori-tays, I say that you're completely reformed--wink, wink. 
There is rejoicing in the streets. Then, at that point, you do the 
whole destruction of the city thing. I mean, is it the perfect plan? 
...No, and I think that's what I like about it. It--Jeez. Okay.
(The lights go out as Casanova and Leek leave and the lab goes 
completely black.)
Amazing: Oh, okay, turn off the lights now. It was just an idea! 
Okay, wait, I got a better one. You let me live I--I'm like your 
sidekick. I'm like, Amazing...Boy or--Casanova?

[Outside the mansion.]
(Shoveler's station wagon pulls up and Shoveler, Raja, and 
Furious pile out.)
Raja: Are you sure Captain Amazing is in there?
Furious: Yeah I'm sure. Let's go.
(Suddenly, a hissing noise starts up.)
Furious: Sh! Wait! Hear that? We must have hit a tripwire. It could 
be a photon eviscerator, heating up.
Shoveler: Could be a cybernetic atom scrambler. They target 
moving objects.
Raja: Sounds more like a heat-seeking anthrax projection gun to 
me. Quickly, cover your mouth.
Furious: No, let's bolt! Come on!
Shoveler: Don't move!
Raja: Don't breathe!
Shoveler: Don't move!
Raja: Don't breathe!
Furious: Let's bolt!
(The sprinkler turns on, drenching them.)
Shoveler: Oh, it's the sprinkler. Great.
Everyone: Oh, ew, ugh.
Raja: Isn't that just fabu? I'm positively soaked.
Furious: Shh.
(A gang of Disco Boys, led by the Tonys, emerge from the mansion 
brandishing guns.)
Tony P: What have we got here?
Tony C: I think they're supposed to be jive superheroes.
Tony P: Well, they made a big mistake coming to Casanova's place.
(Shoveler, Furious, and Raja start snickering.)
Tony P: What's so funny?
Furious: That's your power? You have guns? Couldn't you be a 
little more creative than that?
Raja: Do forgive the impertinence, but what the devil does a pistol 
have to do with disco?
Furious: Weak.
Raja: At best.
Shoveler: Check out the guy with the pipe--What are you, the 
Disco Plumber?
Raja: There's no theme at all here, mates.
Furious: Hey buddy, if you're going to carry a chain, at least make 
it a gold chain, see what I'm saying? And that's just off the top of 
my head. (to Tony C) Yo what's up, Tiger Lily?
Tony C: The top of your head, eh?
(The Disco Boys proceed to beat the shinola out of our three 
heroes.)

[Lakeside Diner.]
(Our heroes sit at their booth with bits of tissues stuck in their 
nostrils to staunch the bleeding.)
Shoveler: We'll never get in there, Roy. There's just too many Disco 
Boys.
Furious: Look, I tell you, Amazing's in there. I saw him go in.
Raja: There's never any evil trios, are there? No, they've all got to 
travel in gings like little babies.
Furious: Well maybe it's time to level the playing field.
Shoveler: How?
Furious: I'm talking about recruiting. There's plenty of guys out 
there who would kill to get in on our action.
Raja: Plenty of poseurs, you mean.
Furious: Well, yeah, maybe a few. But there's got to be a couple of 
guys out there, you know, like...like a Human Torch before he hit.
Shoveler: Or like a guy who can shoot stinging foam into your 
eyes, or something like that.
Raja: Well--hm. There's the Sphinx, of course.
Furious: The what?
Raja: The Sphinx.
Shoveler: I know this guy. Big crime fighter from down south. Big-
league hitter down there.
Furious: What's his power?
Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.
Furious: That's it? That's his power? He's mysterious?
Raja: Well...terribly mysterious.
Shoveler: Plus, he can like, cut guns in half with his mind.
Raja: Really?
Shoveler: I think.
Raja: I hadn't heard that.
Shoveler: We'll have to track this Sphinx guy down. Meantime, I 
have an idea where we can get another guy.
Furious: I'm free for lunch tomorrow. How about you?
Shoveler: Nothing I couldn't move around.
(Furious spots Monica behind the counter, reading a magazine.)
Furious: Listen uh, why don't you guys go on ahead? I gotta 
uh...take care of something.
Raja: Oh, I see.
(Shoveler and Raja exit.)
Furious: (puts coins in donation box) Good cause there, saving 
homeless animals. Yeah. (sees Monica's magazine) Ooh, Hog 
Queen?
Monica: What?
Furious: You're into motorcycles.
Monica: Oh, no, not really.
Furious: Oh. 'Cause I got a motorcycle.
Monica: Yeah, what kind?
Furious: It's a Harley.
Monica: A Harley.
Furious: Compatible. It's a Harley compatible. Basically, the same 
engineer. Oh, hey, look--I hope we're cool about last night.
Monica: Last night?
Furious: Like I said, I was kinda in scary mode back there. 
Sometimes that comes off as a little threatening or whatever.
Monica: I don't find you threatening.
Furious: Oh well you're, you're very uh, you're very, uh, kind.
Monica: At all.
Furious: Huh. (snorts and ejects his bloody tissue wad into donation 
box slot) Listen, I still feel like I should make it up to you 
somehow, in some way...I feel like I should take you out to dinner 
or something just to make up for being so scary or whatever.
Monica: I'm really busy. (she leaves)
Furious: Right. (takes tissue wad back) Our little chess game 
continues.

[Invisible Boy's apartment.]
Invisible Boy: (opens door) Yeah?
Shoveler: We're looking for the one they call the Invisible Boy.
Invisible Boy: Wow. All my life, I've been ignored by people. And 
finally, after years of being overlooked, I found I had the power...to 
disappear. It's real ironic how it happened 'cause--
Furious: Can we come in?
Invisible Boy: Well yeah, sure, come on.
Raja: Thank you.
Invisible Boy: Hey Dad, I'm going to my room with three strange 
men.

[Invisible Boy's bedroom.]
Invisible Boy: And that's pretty much it.
Shoveler: So, let me get this straight. You do have the ability to 
become invisible?
Invisible Boy: Yes.
Shoveler: But you can't give us a demonstration?
Invisible Boy: No. I can only become invisible when noone's 
watching.
Shoveler: So, you're only invisible to yourself?
Invisible Boy: Oh, no. If I look at myself, I become visible again.
Furious: So...you can only become invisible when absolutely 
nobody is watching you?
Invisible Boy: Yes.
Raja: Um, do forgive our incredulity, but um...I'm wondering how 
you can be certain you've acheived transparency at all?
Invisible Boy: Well, when you go invisible...you can feel it.
Furious: Okay, I'm leaving.
Shoveler: Thanks a lot, it was nice to have met you.
Raja: Yes, thank you for the nice time.
Invisible Boy: W--W--Wait guys, don't go. Where are you guys 
going? Wait wait, don't go. Can I come?
Furious: Look, no offense kid. But we're about to go up against a 
really powerful supervillain, Casanova Frankenstein. Okay? That 
means we gotta find a lot of superheroes really quickly. And to tell 
you the truth, we don't know where to even start, so--
Invisible Boy: Wait wait, I know tons of superheroes.
Furious: I'm sure you know a lot--
Invisible Boy: No no no, seriously, I'm out there all the time at the 
costume shops, martial arts stores...talking to guys and making 
connections. Hey, if you wanna break in, you gotta network. And 
/I/ know how to network.
Shoveler: Uh...sorry, kid.
Invisible Boy: Come on. Haven't you guys ever been a kid? Haven't 
you guys...ever had a dream?
(Shoveler, Furious, and Raja look at Invisible Boy's pleading eyes 
and know they have to give in.)

[Lakeside Diner.]
Invisible Boy: Let me see, who else have I met? There's the 
Pincher...
Raja: (writing it down) "The Pincher."
Invisible Boy: The Pickler...Princess Headbutt...White Flight and 
the Black Menace--they work together.
Raja: Yeah, slow down, slow down.
Invisible Boy: Then there's uh, Professor Pinkbelly...and um...Lucky 
Pierre and the French Tickler.
Raja: "French...Tickler." And you say you've got all of their 
telephone numbers?
Invisible Boy: Well yeah, most of them.
Shoveler: We've got to figure out a way to get them all in one 
place.
Raja: Quite right. 
Furious: Some kind of a tryout.
Shoveler: Yes, a tryout.
Invisible Boy: Throw in a barbeque and a couple of kegs, they'll all 
show up. I mean, the mooch factor's pretty high with this crowd.
Shoveler: A barbeque. That's a good idea.
Furious: (looks around, and makes a disgusted face) Oh...
Raja: What? Oh, bugger all, it's the Spleen. Oh, play dead.
Invisible Boy: Who's that?
Shoveler: Turn--Turn your head. Don't say anything.
(Spleen steps up to their table.)
Spleen: Hiya fellas. Word on the street is you're looking for 
superheroes.
Furious: Uh-uh.
Raja: Not really.
Shoveler: Actually, we were just leaving.
Raja: Yes, rotten luck.
Monica: (arrives and puts plates of food on the table) Oh, here we 
go.
Furious: Perfect timing.
Monica: That's for you. Hamburger, right?
Raja: Yes, thank you.
Monica: Enjoy.
(Monica walks away.)
Spleen: Why you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm 
a superhero too, I have powers.
Invisible Boy: Really? Uh, like what?
Spleen: So glad you asked.
Shoveler: Oh no.
Spleen: (sits at table) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Well. It 
all started when I was just thirteen years of age. One day, while 
walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in 
my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman 
who happened to be passing by. Big mistake! The gypsy woman 
placed a curse upon my head: Because I'd smelled it, she decreed I 
would forevermore be he who dealt it! Let me illustrate. (pulls out a 
bunch of clothespins and dumps them on the table)
Shoveler: No, you don't have to.
Raja: It's not necessary, really.
Spleen: (stands up and looks over his shoulder) Let's see. Distance: 
seven meters. Air speed: normal. Compensate for air 
conditioning...(to Invisible Boy) Pull my fingers.
Shoveler: Don't do it.
Raja: (grabs a clothespin and fastens it on his nose) Oh, dear God.
(Invisible Boy pulls Spleen's fingers and he farts several times, 
K.O.'ing several people sitting at and working behind the counter.)
Spleen: S.B.D.! Silent, but deadly.
Shoveler: That's good shooting.
Invisible Boy: That was amazing!
Raja: It's disgusting, don't encourage him.
Spleen: (grabs the clipboard from Raja) Hey, you guys /are/ 
recruiting for superheroes!
Raja: Unhand that! Fork it over!
Spleen: So, where are you holding the tryouts, huh?
Furious: We don't know, yet...but um, as soon as we figure that 
out, we'll get in touch with you immediately.
Invisible Boy: Bet we'd get a big turnout if we did it somewhere 
with a swimming pool.
(Furious and Raja look at Shoveler.)
Furious: Hmm. Hmm.
Shoveler: Oh, no. No no no no no. Absolutely not. Nope. No.

[Shoveler's backyard.]
(The yard is crawling with people in various costumes. Lucille 
fights her way towards the gate, Shoveler trailing along after her.)
Lucille: Oh...I don't deserve this.
Shoveler: I know.
Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie. Still are.
Shoveler: I understand.
Lucille: If one person vomits in my pool...I'm gonna divorce you.
Shoveler: That's fair.
Lucille. Mm-hm. Come on, kids!
(She exits.)
(Furious, Shoveler, Raja, Spleen, and Invisible Boy are seated at a 
table. A guy with a waffle iron hanging from his belt approaches 
them.)
Furious: All right, state your name and power.
Waffler: I am the Waffler. With my griddle of justice, I bash the 
enemy in the head, or, I burn them like so.
(He presses the iron to his face with a gruesome hissing noise.)
Shoveler: Oh, don't do that.
Waffler: I also have my Truth Syrup, which is low fat. And I've 
been working on a theme song. Kinda like: "Waffle Man!! Oh! I am 
the Waffler! Golden crispy! Bad guys are history, yow!" And I'm 
running. Just think about it. Do you have a health plan? Maybe 
dental? Eye?
Raja: Next.
(Waffler is replaced by a guy in a pencil costume.)
Pencilhead: Hi. Uh...I am Pencilhead.
Son of Pencilhead: (popping out from behind him) And I am Son of 
Pencilhead.
Pencilhead: We erase crime.
Raja: Uh, two generations of...
Furious: Right.
Raja: Yes, thank you.
Son of Pencilhead: Did I do all right?
Pencilhead: Yeah, I think they liked us.
(The Pencilheads wander off, and a menacing-looking guy in a 
mask and a volumnious black cloak steps up.)
Raja: (impressed) Now, say.
Man: I'm...(opens cloak to reveal a tutu) the Ballerina Man!
Raja: Ah.
Furious: Oh. I don't need to see that.
(Ballerina Man dances.)
Furious: Thanks.
(Ballerina Man sweeps his cloak back around himself and leaves. A 
young woman in a Wonder Woman-ripoff costume runs up.)
Sexy Woman #1: I am--
(Another young woman in an identical costume arrives.)
Sexy Woman #2: Hey!
Sexy Woman #1: You copied me!
Sexy Woman #2: You copied /me/!
Sexy Woman #1: Did not!
Sexy Woman #2: Liar!
Raja: Ladies, ladies...Now let's play nicely...
(The two women start brawling.)
Furious: I'd say there's potential.
(Follows is a montage of various other loser wanna-be 
"superheroes":)
Bullfighter: I be the Bullfighter! I fight the bull!
Radio man: Greetings, fellow crimefighters. I am Radio Man.
Squeegieman: I am Squeegieman. Do you sense its power?
Raja: Yes.
PMS Avenger: P.M.S. Avenger. I only work four days a month. Is 
there a problem with that?
Shoveler: No.
Raja: No.
Furious: No. Whatever you say.
Shoveler: We'll get back to you.
Raja: Quite all right.
PMS Avenger: Whatever!
Furious: (in disgust) Okay, that's it.

[Shoveler's backyard.]
(Later, all the potential teammates are gone, and the original five sit 
dejected, throwing pebbles into the pool.)
Shoveler: Well, that was a complete waste of time.
Furious: Like so many things we do.
(A woman with a bowling bag steps into the yard and waves.)
Bowler: Hi. Hi, you guys. Am I too late to try out?
Furious: What time is it?
Shoveler: I don't have a watch on.
Furious: Yeah, sorry. You'll have to pretend to be a superhero 
somewhere else.
Bowler: Really. I see. (she turns as if to go) That's fine.
(She stops, however, and unzips her bag, pulling out an eerily-
humming clear bowling ball with a skull inside of it. She tosses the 
bag aside and throws the ball, which careens across the yard, 
making the men dive for cover.)
Men: Look out! etc.
(The ball rolls back into its bag and the Bowler zips it up.)
Bowler: I guess I'll just have to take my ball and go home. (She 
turns and again starts to walk off.)
Men: No, wait, Miss, please-- etc.
Invisible Boy: Wow, that was cool.
Shoveler: Hold on. Stop her.
Spleen: Settle down.
Invisible Boy: That was great!
Raja: My my my!
Furious: We might be able to squeeze in one more interview.
Raja: Yes, seeing as how you schlepped your ball all this way.
Bowler: I appreciate that, thanks.
Shoveler: You're really good.
Spleen: Whassup? I'm the Spleen.
Bowler: I'm the Bowler. How you doin'?
Spleen: (clicks his tongue at her) You're very attractive.

[Shoveler's backyard.]
(Later, they are all sitting around a patio table.)
Furious: So, why don't you um, tell us a little bit about yourself? 
Help us understand why we should choose you, over all the other 
qualified applicants.
Shoveler: What other qualified applicants?
Furious: Eddie, please. Start at the top. Where'd you get your 
powers?
Bowler: Mmm. Uh, I got my powers from my father.
Furious: Oh, okay. Who's he?
Bowler: Have you ever heard of Carmine the Bowler?
Shoveler: Have we ever heard--?
Raja: Cor! Blimey, miss, don't tell us you're the Bowler's daughter.
Furious: I seem to remember there being a little controversy around 
his death.
Bowler: That's right. The police said it was an accident. He'd come 
home late one night and fell down an elevator shaft...onto some 
bullets.
Raja: You know, I've always suspected a bit of foul play.
Bowler: As have I.
Furious: Hm. So now Daddy's little girl is all grown up, and looking 
for a little revenge, is that it?
Bowler: Yeah that /is/ it. Is there a problem with that?
Furious: Why don't you tell me.
Bowler: I dunno, you tell me.
Furious: Why don't you tell me?
Bowler: Why don't you tell me?
Furious: Why don't you tell me?
Bowler: Why don't you tell me?
Furious: Why don't you tell me?
Bowler: Why don't you tell me?
Furious: (sarcastic) Ooh.
Bowler: All right. You've seen what I can do. You either wanna use 
my talents or you don't. If you don't, I seek another cabal, and we 
do it that way.
Shoveler: We need you. We definitely need you.
Raja: Indeed. Bowler...Evelyn--
Bowler: Carol.
Raja: Carol. Will you join our little ragtag trio?
Invisible Boy: I think you mean quartet.
Spleen: What are you talking about? There's five of us.
Furious: Okay, hey hey hey, hey. First of all, nobody's greenlit any 
new memberships yet, all right, so just chill out, all right? Now, 
granted you got a good arm, I'll give you that. But we're in a league 
codra of su--
Bowler: Cadre.
Shoveler: You're in.
Raja: Welcome aboard.
Furious: Guys! Would you--Will you--
Shoveler: What? What's the problem?
Spleen: Welcome.
Furious: Eddie...
Shoveler: What?
Furious: Nothing. No problem. Hey, welcome aboard. (goes to 
shake her hand and she pulls back) Ooh.

[Shoveler's car.]
Invisible Boy: So, what's up? Are Spleen and I on the team or not?
Furious: Look, in my opinion, which used to matter around here, 
we shouldn't be flinging memberships at every guy who puts 
together a pair of matching gloves and boots.
Shoveler: Just be sure to jump in when the action starts. You do 
your share, we'll keep you around.
Furious: Maybe.
Bowler: (to Raja) So you're a British man who converted to 
Islam--sorta like Cat Stevens?
Raja: No. Until the early part of this century, Inja was part of the 
British Empire, whose government there was called the British Raj, 
after the Hindi word for sovereignty. Furthermore--
Bowler: Wait. So sorry. What? (she unzips her bowling bag and 
looks at the ball) Dad! See--No, he's not a Commie nor a fruit. (to 
everyone) Sorry. His ignorance embarrasses me.
Raja: Sorry--am I to understand you've inserted your father's skull 
inside of that ball for bowling?
Bowler: No. The guy at the pro shop did it.
(A black limosine screeches by, going the opposite direction.)
Shoveler: That was Casanova's limo.
Furious: You bet your sweet bippy it was. C'mon, let's turn this 
sucker around! He's probably got Amazing in there!
Shoveler: Here we go.
(They make a violent U-turn.)
Spleen: I feel carsick.
Raja: Great.

[Casanova's limo.]
Casanova: So tell me Tony, who can we count on seeing at my 
banquet tomorrow?
Tony P: All the top gangs are gonna be there, Cas. They wanna 
know what you got up your sleeve.
Tony C: Mr. Casanova. I think we're being followed.
Casanova: Let us say hello.
(Tony C puts the limo in reverse and plows straight for the station 
wagon.)

[Shoveler's car.]
Shoveler: What's he doing?
Furious: He's either very smart or very dumb.
(Both cars come to a screeching halt, Tony C having veered to the 
side at the last minute. The cars are now side to side. Our heroes 
get out of their car, and Casanova rolls down his window.)
Casanova: Hello. I would like a double burger with the large fries. 
Do you boys want something to drink?
Shoveler: We think you did something bad to Captain Amazing. We 
would like you to tell us where he is.
Casanova: Captain who? This name does not ring any bells with 
me.
Furious: I don't like your tone, Frankenpuss. Do yourself a favor 
and don't punch my clock. 'Cause I am a Panteras Box you do not 
want to open.
Casanova: It is Pandora.
Furious: Uh...please don't correct me. It sickens me.
(Raja and Bowler have gone around to the other side of the limo,
where Tony P looks out at them through his open window.)
Tony P: You guys never learn, do you?
Raja: Apparently we don't...ass.
Tony P: I know you.
Bowler: You don't know me. (pulls out bowling ball) You knew my 
father.
Raja: Sal!
Bowler: Carmine.
Raja: Carmine.
Tony P: Carmine? The Bowler? 
Bowler: Yep.
Tony P: You're Baby Bowler!
Bowler: Is that a problem?
Tony P: Hello. I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft.
(Back on the other side of the limo:)
Shoveler: This is the last time I'm going to ask you: Where is 
Captain Amazing?
Casanova: And a diet Pepsi with a little bit of ice.
Invisible Boy: Hey Shove!
(Invisible Boy slides Shoveler's helmet across the ground to him. 
Shoveler lays his shovel like a seesaw over it, and flips Mr. Furious 
up, into the air, and onto the roof of Casanova's limo.)
Casanova: Okay boys, let's go.
(The Tonys make to get out of the car.)
Raja: Fork yourself!
(Raja flings a fork through an open window of the limo, and it 
ricochets off of all the window-up buttons. The windows all start 
rolling up, and the doors all lock.)
Tony P: Whoa!
Raja: Oh.
(Spleen sticks his rear through Casanova's window, which isn't up 
all the way yet.)
Spleen: Pull!
(Invisible Boy yanks on Spleen's fingers and Spleen lets loose right 
on Casanova. The window finishes rolling up.)
Shoveler: Come on, Roy, let's get out of here!
Raja: Come on, Furious, let's go!
(Furious is busy jumping up and down on top of the limo.)
Furious: People who live in glass houses shouldn't, because this is 
what happens!
Shoveler: Come on, that's enough! Come on, get out of the way!
Furious: The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no 
water! We don't need no water!
Bowler: Here comes Daddy.
(Bowler hurls Carmine through one side of the limo and he comes 
ripping out the other side, swings around over the limo, and flies 
back into Bowler's open bag.)
Raja: Go go go!
(They all pile into the station wagon and take off as fast at they can 
go. The Tonys manage to get out of the limo now, and fire their 
pistols after the retreating car, but it is too late to stop them. 
Casanova examines the damage done to the limo, and laughs like 
the madman he is.)

[Hop Louie's, a bar.]
(Our heroes are gathered at the counter.)
Furious: I would like to make a toast to our first straight-out 
victory.
Raja: Stunning victory, here here.
Bowler: (in conversation with Raja) Be that as it may, the 
relationship you have with your mother effects every other dynamic 
in your life.
Raja: True true.
Bowler: It's impossible--(to Carmine, who is propped up on an 
empty glass on the bar) What? What? Yes, a father's role is vital in 
a child's life as well, I know this. No, I'm not disrespecting you. 
Well you have to respect me too. You have to allow me to have 
conversations in a bartype situation and talk to my new friends. And 
anyway I'm...an adult now. Do you want to go back in the bag? Is 
that how we're gonna do it now? You make the rules. If you don't 
zip it--Sheesh.
(Spleen, who is seated next to Invisible Boy, looks over at Bowler. 
He makes a few suggestive kissing noises, which are ignored, then, 
taking his drink, sidles up to her. She pauses in her conversation 
with Raja to sniff the air and make a face.)
Bowler: There's not enough beer in the world, Spleen, I'm sorry. (to 
Raja) Listen, you've got to live in truth, correct?
Spleen: (retreats to his barstool. To Invisible Boy) The woman's a 
tiger.
Furious: Barkeep, another round for my sweet team of 
superfriends.
Spleen: (quite drunkenly) Barkeep, another round for the super--
super bellies.
Raja: Yes, to all of us.
Invisible Boy: See, that's what so cool about this team. I mean, 
everyone has their own powers for all these different situations.
Shoveler: Pull my finger.
(Spleen smirks at that, then gives Invisible Boy a reproving look.)
Invisible Boy: What?
Spleen: I was just thinking. I was just wondering when we might 
see /your/ superpower.
Shoveler: It'll happen kid, don't worry.

[Outside bar.]
Bowler: I say "sabatage."
Raja: "Sabatage"?
Bowler: "Sabatage".
Furious: The Shoveler is hammered!
Spleen: The Shoveler is hammered! The Shoveler is hammered!
Invisible Boy: So what's the name of this team? How about the 
Super Squad?
(Several Disco Boys, led by the Tonys, hop off of the station 
wagon and confront our heroes.)
Disco Boy: How about the Six Dead Guys In Their Stupid 
Costumes?
Tony P: No no no. How about the Magnificent Dead Guys, how 
'bout that?
Tony C: What about the Legendary Superfreaks?
Tony P: Way too postive. They totalled our car. Ready?
(The Disco Boys pull out guns.)
Disco Boys: Ready!
Tony P: Aim!
Disco Boys: Aim!
Spleen: I love you! (grabs Bowler in terror)
Tony P: Fire!
(Suddenly, the guns each fall into two neat pieces.)
Disco Boys: Huh! What?
Tony P: Okay, okay. Six Very Nearly Dead Guys, With a 
Temporary Reprieve. That's it, that's your name!
Tony C: Six Jive Turkeys. Dig, man?
Furious: Yeah dig, man!
Tony P: Kill ya later, Superlosers!
(The Disco Boys flee. And from the shadows emerges an imposing 
figure.)
Raja: Crimeny! You're the Sphinx!
Sphinx: And you are fools.

[Junkyard.]
Sphinx: Tonight you proved your inexperience. The wise man 
knows that he is weakest when he thinks himself strong.
Invisible Boy: Woah.
Spleen: Mysterious.
Raja: Terribly mysterious.
Sphinx: Casanova Frankenstein is no ordinary villain. To fight him 
you must have extraordinary skill.
Furious: Oh, thank you, thank you for that little piece of 
information. 'Cause I wouldn't have thought we needed 
extraordinary--
Bowler: Excuse me! Does anybody have any manners? Do you 
mind?
Furious: I don't know, do I?
Bowler: I dunno, do you?
Furious: Why don't you tell me?
Bowler: Why don't you tell me?
Furious: Why don't you tell me?
Bowler: I dunno, why don't you tell me.
Bowler: Why don't you tell me.
Furious: I don't know. You tell me.
Bowler: Do I mind what? Do I?
Shoveler: Silence!
Spleen: Hey hey, we have to separate you two. Is that what you 
want? You want to be seperated?
Bowler: He started it.
Sphinx: You must be like the wolf pack. Not like the six pack.
Shoveler: Teamwork. Yes!
Sphinx: You are not ready to face so great an enemy. Not until you 
have vanquished the enemy within yourselves.
Spleen: Yes!
Invisible Boy: It's cool, isn't it? It goes right up to the point of 
being, like, confusing.
Shoveler: It's leadership. It's what we've been missing.
Raja: Yes, I quite agree. Sphinx, will you guide our motley little 
gang of menatons?
Furious: Hey hey, whoa whoa. Wait a minute. Are you serious? 
Come on.
Raja: Will you shape us, mold us?
Bowler: Make us whole?
Sphinx: To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.

[Training field.]
(Raja stands, sloppily throwing forks at a target. The Sphinx 
comes up behind him.)
Sphinx: Learn to hide your strikes from your opponent and you'll 
more easily strike his hide.
(Raja tries again, and throws more successfully this time.)
(Cut to Shoveler sparring with Spleen. Sphinx stops them.)
Sphinx: How many weapons do you yeild?
Shoveler: Just one, Sphinx.
Sphinx: No. The fist, the knee, the elbow, the head! You must lash 
out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.
(Cut to Furious balancing a hammer on his head.)
Furious: Why am I doing this again?
Sphinx: When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you 
will head off your foes with a balanced attack.
Furious: And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?
Sphinx: I don't remember telling you to do that.
Furious: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.
(Quick scene with our heroes walking across coals.)

[Training field outside Sphinx's tent--next day.]
Sphinx: I believe in my powers!
All repeat: I believe in my powers!
Sphinx: I believe in the powers of my teammates!
All, hesitant: I belive in the powers of my teammates.
Sphinx: I trust in my powers!
All: I trust in my powers!
Sphinx: I trust in the powers of my teammates!
All, hesitant: I trust in the powers of my teammates.
Sphinx: This team must learn to work together or, mark my words, 
it will be torn apart! Now, gather round. Gather round, embrace 
one another. Gather round, embrace oneanother, quickly!
(They huddle around facing eachother with their arms over 
eachother's shoulders. All except for Furious, who walks off in 
disgust.)
Shoveler: (calls after him) Roy.
Sphinx: (intercepts Furious) Why do you stand aside while the 
others practice?
Furious: "Practice"? That's not practicing. That's--That's group 
hugging. We should be busting in on Casanova right now.
Sphinx: He who questions training only trains himself at asking 
questions.
Furious: What??

[Outside tents.]
(Everyone is sitting around sewing. Sphinx is supervising.)
Spleen: Who was looking for the pinking shears?
Invisible Boy: Oh, that was me.
Sphinx: Ah, yes. Work well on your new costumes, my friends. For 
when you care for what is outside, what is inside cares for you!
Furious: You know, the clock is ticking here. Are we gonna sew 
dresses all day or are we gonna rescue Amazing?..I need a thimble, 
does anybody--
Sphinx: Patience, my son. To summon your power for the conflict 
to come, you must first have power over that which conflicts you.
Furious: Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a 
little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have 
to pull it up." "If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's--
Sphinx: Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to 
master your rage--
Furious: Your rage will become your master? That's what you were 
gonna say, right? Right?
Sphinx: ...Not necessarily.
Furious: (jumps up) Okay, you know what? That's it, I'm out of 
here. Thanks for all the advice, Mr. Mysterioso, but it's time to get 
busy with it. Come on, Eddie, let's go.
Shoveler: No, Roy. I--I think he's getting results.
Furious: Yeah, and the biggest one is that we're all out of here. 
Come on, Jeff. Let's peel some wheelies. Let's go.
Raja: I don't want to leave the Sphinx.
Furious: Okay, how about the rest of you, huh? You want to sit 
here and play Susie Homemaker all day with Captain Conundrum 
or do you want to be superheroes?
Bowler: Shut up.
Furious: Okay. I don't need a compass to tell me which way the 
wind shines.
Shoveler: Roy, wait, let's talk about this!
Furious: No, Eddie, let's not talk about it! Now, you want to sit 
here and make Halloween outfits with Little Red Riding Hood or 
you wanna take care of business? Well, from now on I guess I ride 
in a wolf pack...of one.
(Furious leaves, and we hear his motorcycle starting, then fading in 
the distance.)
Shoveler: We should go after him.
Spleen: He's okay.
Bowler: Just let him go. He's a baby.
Shoveler: We've never gone into battle without him.
Bowler: Oh, jeez. If you love him so much why don't you marry 
him?
Shoveler: I don't know, why don't you marry him?
Bowler: Why don't you?
Shoveler: Why don't you?
Bowler: Why don't you?
Raja: Bowler, Shoveler, please. Sphinx, what wisdom can you 
give us in this, our most beclouded hour?
Invisible Boy: Yeah, what do we do?
Sphinx: The loss of manpower can be replaced by the addition of 
firepower.
Raja: Oh. Well I won't use guns. I've been crystal clear about that.
Shoveler: He won't even use a knife.
Raja: You're not going to start with that mishugas again, are 
you?
Sphinx: Casanova will have many weapons. To beat him, you will 
have to have more than forks and flatulence.
Shoveler: (suddenly thoughtful) Heller. (he pulls out Heller's 
business card)
Spleen: (taking it) "Dr. A. Heller. Weapons Designer. Innovator, 
Inventor, World Changer."

[Outside abandoned carnival.]
(The station wagon pulls up outside Heller's place, Bowler, 
Shoveler & Spleen singing "Hello Dolly" in French. They stop and 
get out.)
Bowler: Why does he live in a deserted amusement park?
Spleen: 'Cause he's an eccentric genius, that's why.
Shoveler: All right. I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate.
Spleen: Equilateral, or isoscelese?
Bowler: Just go.

[Inside mirrored hallway.]
(There are a few chickens wandering around.)
Bowler: Who would want to rent a chicken?
Spleen: This is weird in here. It's scary and weird.
(They reach the end of the hallway and enter a cluttered room.)
Bowler: Oh, there's another chicken. Crazy chicken world.
Shoveler: Dr. Heller?
(Heller spins around and grabs a blowdryer, which he points 
threateningly at the trio.)
Bowler: Woah, woah!
Shoveler: We come in peace.
Heller: Shovelhead?
Shoveler: Uh, the Shoveler, yes sir. We met at the old folk's home.
Heller: Of course. Fork Man?
Spleen: No, I'm the Spleen. If you want to know what my power is, 
pull my finger.
Bowler: Please don't, please don't!
Shoveler: No sir, don't. Dr. Heller, we're on a mission. We've come 
for weapons.
Bowler: Shouldn't we see a diploma or something first?
Heller: You came to the right place, baby. Step into my office.

[Lakeside Diner.]
Monica: Where are your friends?
Furious: What friends?
Monica: Your friends. I thought you guys were in a...a club or 
something.
Furious: You mean a team? A superteam?
Monica: Yeah.
Furious: Well apparently, it's now the Super Sphinx Team, or 
something. I--
Monica: You had a falling out?
Furious: Yeah, kinda. Is it okay if I just have the coffee? I'm not 
very hungry.
Monica: Sure.
Furious: Hey...um...What time do you get off work?
Monica: Half hour. Why?
Furious: Uh, no reason. I was just thinking maybe I could, uh--You 
know, it might be a good idea if I walked you home. 'Cause uh, the 
city's been real real dangerous since Amazing went M.I.A. And uh, 
uh, I've been working on some jujitsu moves and uh...It'd just 
probably be safer on everybody's part if and...And also, it would be 
great to just...walk you home.
Monica: Sure.

[Heller's lab.]
(There are many weird gadgets in here.)
Spleen: Wow!
Shoveler: This will even things up a little bit. (examining a weapon 
mounted on a tripod) What is it?
Spleen: (brandishing a bazooka-like weapon) Look at this! Pow! 
Pow! Pow! Pow!
Bowler: Don't point at me!
Shoveler: You're gonna kill somebody.
(Spleen puts the weapon down.)
Heller: Oh no no no no. Listen, everything here is non-lethal.
Shoveler: Non-lethal? What?
Heller: I don't make anything that's deadly.
Bowler: Oh oh I see, I see. How delightfully eccentric. While 
simultaneously being a complete waste of our time. No offense. 
Shall we?
Shoveler: Thank you, Doctor.
Bowler: I said good day.

[Outide carnival.]
Bowler: You see that is why, in general, a mad scientist is less 
desirable than say, your garden-variety scientist.
(Heller emerges from the hallway, a green can in hand.)
Heller: Incoming!
(Heller pops the top of the can and throws it at the trio. The can 
disentegrates as a compact tornado funnels out of it and bears down 
on our heroes.)
Shoveler: Look out! Out of the way!
Bowler: Watch out!
(The tornado takes Spleen spinning high up in the air and deposits
him on the hood of an old junker with a fart.)
Shoveler: Ooh.
Spleen: (turns over dazedly) Doc, you're a genius.

[Heller's lab.]
Shoveler: A canned tornado, huh?
Heller: Totally non-lethal, but totally effective.
Bowler: (to Spleen) What is this thing you were handling before?
Spleen: That's a Shrinker.
Bowler: How do you know? Oh a manual, cool.
Heller: That's a high-temperature fabric adhesive liquid projector, 
based on simple drycleaning technology. You aim that at a guy, 
and, I'll tell you something: His clothes get so tight he can't even 
breathe. I can trick that out with a clamshell holster. Comes with a 
leather carrying case, it's got a wad cutter and a full warranty.
Bowler: Nicely done.
Shoveler: (examining the strange device on the tripod) And what do 
you call this?
Heller: Careful, careful, that's a Blame Thrower.
Shoveler: A "Blame Thrower"? (accidentally activates it) Oh, oh, I'm 
sorry,
Spleen: (caught in the beam, his voice goes high-pitched and 
distorted. He whirls on Bowler) It's your bad attitude that's hurting 
this team!
Bowler: (also in the beam, her voice does the same thing) Stop 
spitting on me! I took a shower already today!
Spleen: Well you need another shower, 'cause you stink!
Bowler: Want me to get that zit for you?
Spleen: Ooh, I'm really shaking! Ooh, I'm really scared! I'm sorry! 
I'm sorry if I spit all the time!
Shoveler: Oh... (he switches the thing off)
Spleen: (back to normal) I'm sorry.
Bowler: (back to normal) I'm sorry. (Spleen goes to give her a hug 
and she fends him off) No no, no. No no no. No.
Shoveler: Doctor...you /are/ a genius.
Heller: That's what the card says.

[A street in Champion City.]
(Furious is walking Monica home.)
Furious: I still want to be with them when they go and rescue 
Amazing.
Monica: So why don't you just go back?
Furious: No, I couldn't go back. I just left this morning. That would 
be--
Monica: (indicates an apartment building) This is my place.
Furious: --That would be ridiculous.
Monica: They're your friends, they'll understand. Look, it's clearly 
what you want to do, you know?
(A pair of Disco Boys spy on them from around a corner of the 
building.)
Furious: You know, that actually could work. I mean, I'm Mr. 
Furious, right? I'm unpredictable. I'm a loose cannon. I go storming 
off--Why can't I go storming back? I mean it's all in how you play 
it, right?
Monica: Or...don't play it. Just go back, say you're sorry and...help 
them save Captain Amazing.
(The Disco Boys nod at eachother, and sneak away.)
Furious: Do you think there's a really angry way I could say I'm 
sorry? Just--Just 'cause that's kind of my...I gotta stick with the 
anger thing, 'cause people like that.
Monica: Maybe people like you for who you really are. You know? 
Okay, I'm gonna go. You should go find your friends.

[Training grounds.]
(Our heroes are loading Heller's weapons into the station wagon.)
Sphinx: Good. (to Shoveler, Bowler, and Raja) Now, the three of 
you will be like the eagle's claw. You will snatch up the hostage and 
carry him to safety. We three scouts will be like the eagle's eye, 
ever watchful for danger. Are you ready?
Raja: Ready.
Invisible Boy: Ready.
Sphinx: Then let Operation Three-Eyed, Three-Legged Eagle 
begin.
(All shout "Craw!" individually, then in unison.)
Spleen: Shotgun!
Raja: (trying to get to the front seat first) I think not, my 
friend...Silly twit.
(Furious pulls up on his motorcycle.)
Shoveler: (to others) Give me a second. (to Furious) Hey.
Furious: Hey. What's up?
Shoveler: Not a lot. What's up with you?
Furious: Nothing much. Hey, I was wondering, have you seen my 
address book?
Shoveler: No. What did it look like?
Furious: Uh, it's denim. It says "Hang Loose" on it with a picture 
of...a kitten.
Shoveler: No. You should probably think about where you saw it 
last.
Furious: Right.
Shoveler: Well. I should probably, um...
Furious: Look, Eddie...there's something I want to say, okay? I'm 
angry. I'm angry about being left out of this mission, and I'm angry 
about what's happening with this team. But I'm...I'm...Oh, boy. 
Temperature rising. Vision blurring. Rage...taking...over...
Shoveler: Roy, I got an idea. Why don't you come with us?
Furious: Okay. Rage...subsiding. Pulse...slowing. Anger fading. 
That was quick thinking, Eddie.
Shoveler: Well...I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.

[Inside Casanova's mansion]
(A party rages on. Various gangs eat, drink, and laugh it up. 
Casanova sits at the head of the table like a king, enjoying the 
turnout.)

[Outside mansion.]
(Raja, Bowler, Shoveler, and Furious huddle behind a planter on 
the lawn.)
Raja: Right then. I'll go and scout out a way in. What should the 
signal be?
Shoveler: Caree. Caree-caroo.
Raja: No no, what about Whipporwill! Whipporwill!
Shoveler: No! Caree-caroo!
Raja: Yes but, isn't that better?
Bowler: Not interested.
Furious: Shh, shh! Enough with the "cuckoo"! We have to find an 
open window.
Raja: That's what I just said.
Furious: Go! Go!

[Inside mansion.]
Casanova: Does everyone have a drink? Good, good. Well, it is 
wonderful in my heart to see so many familiar faces once again. (he 
looks from gang to gang) The Susies--assassins from the East. The 
Suits--downsizing all those who dare oppose them. And the 
Furriers--always dressed to kill. And the Frat Boys--still on 
probation for lethal hazing.
Frat Boys: Phi Zeta!
Casanova: And, of course, the Not-So-Goody Mob--putting the 
rhyme into crime!
NSGM #1: The pleasure's all mine, Frankenstein!
NSGM #2: We're about to perpetrate some evil on these Champion 
City people.
NSGM #3: Rappin', snappin', cappin'.
NSGM #4: Yeah.
Casanova: Tonight, we are having quite a party, a surprise party. I 
have a little something up my sleeve, and I'm not just talking about 
the wart on my elbow. I have created a beautiful machine, that is 
going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the 
world! Can you dig it?
Big Tobacco, leader of the Suits: What about Captain Amazing?
Casanova: That is an excellent question, Big Tobacco. What are we 
going to do about the greatest superhero that Champion City has 
ever known? Hm? For the answer, I want you all to walk this way.
Frat Boy #1: Dude. Can we uh, bring the brewskis?
Casanova: Yes, of course, you may absolutely bring the brewskis.
(The Frat Boys cheer.)

[Outside, on the hill.]
Spleen: (looks through binoculars at mansion) Things look pretty
quiet to me...(sniffs) Hey Invisible Boy, did you just let one go?
Invisible Boy: No no, that wasn't me.
Spleen: Well it wasn't me.
(A skunk emerges from the bushes. Spleen makes as if to bolt.)
Invisible Boy: No no, don't run, he'll shoot!
(The skunk wanders over, and starts to get amorous with Spleen's 
leg.)
Spleen: Is he doing what I think he's doing?
Invisible Boy: Just go with it.

[Inside mansion.]
(Total darkness.)
Bowler: Can anybody see anything?
Amazing: Hey!
Bowler: Who said hey?
Shoveler: Not me.
Furious: Eddie, you don't have to say "Not me," okay? If someone 
says "who?" then you say--
Amazing: Hey! Morons! Over here.
(Shoveler turns on his helmetlight. Amazing sits, still strapped to 
his chair under the machine.)
Raja: It's Captain Amazing!
Shoveler: We've been looking for you.
Amazing: Yeah. There's a light switch behind you there. Turn it on.
(The lights go on.)
Raja: My my my. Well well. We meet again, eh Captain?
Shoveler: We're here to rescue you.
Amazing: Yeah.
Raja: I'm Blue Raja. Do you recall me sir? Master of Silverware. 
You told me to keep up the good work after the Red Eye skirmish.
Amazing: I meet so many people in this business, but...I think...I 
think so. Could you two locate the master ignition switch over 
there on the main console? Maybe you could open that up?
Raja: Have you out in two shakes of a lamb's tail, Captain. 
Frightfully uncomfortable.
Amazing: Great.
Bowler: How does this work?
Furious: Oh I've seen one of these things. Yeah, yeah yeah. Okay, 
you've got to push this thing in I think and twist it.
Bowler: Don't force it don't force it!
Amazing: She's right, my little friend. This contraption is in fact a 
weapon of mass destruction. Casanova plans to turn it against the 
city tonight at midnight.
Bowler: Hey, something's happening. Something's happening.
Amazing: Okay, very good. Now, on the wall to your left you 
should see two toggles side by side.
Furious: Oh, woah, "toggles"? What do you mean? You talking 
about switches?
Bowler: I see them, Captain.
Amazing: Thank you. Flip the first toggle.
Bowler: Flipping... (she flips it)
Amazing: Excellent work. Now flip the--
Raja: Jolly good work, team! Jolly good!
Amazing: Will you just--!..Over there, please.
Raja: Of course. Sorry.
Amazing: Now flip the second toggle.
Raja: Do as he says, Bowler. The man knows what of he speaks.
(Bowler flips the second toggle.)
Shoveler: Captain, I'm just gonna ask you directly: Do you know 
billionaire Lance Hunt?
Amazing: It's me. (Shoveler looks positively shocked) Naw, I'm 
kiddin' with you. I've always wanted to do that.
Bowler: What's next?
Amazing: I just told you, flip the second toggle.
Bowler: ..Again?
Amazing: What do you mean?
Bowler: Flip the toggle twice?
Amazing: No, no no no, don't do that. Just flip it again, now. One 
time. Flip it.
Bowler: (to Furious) Does he understand what I'm asking?
Furious: Hold on a second. Captain, exactly how many toggle flips 
"in toto" are involved in this entire procedure?
Amazing: (starting to really panic as the machine begins humming) I 
just..it's--Seven!
Furious: "Seven"?
Amazing: Flip it!
Furious: Seven?
Bowler: Hold the phone. Everybody, hold the phone. You phrased 
that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are 
needed, not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked 
for in a moment of panic.
Amazing: Flip it!!
Bowler: I--
Furious: Okay, you know what? You know what? Could we just 
start again? Is there some sort of like, reset button on this thing?
Amazing: No you little freak there's no button for resetting. Flip the 
switch lady. Don't stare at me. Lift your left arm. Flip it, you 
moron!
Bowler: Woah!
Amazing: You're a moron!
Bowler: I am not a moron.
Amazing: You're a moron!
Furious: Woah, woah!
Amazing: Flip the switch!
Furious: Do not call her a moron, that's not cool.
Bowler: Thank you.
Raja: I will do it! I'll do it!
Amazing: Flip the switch lady! Don't look at me like that!
Raja: It's this one, yes?
(Raja flips the second toggle a second time, and the machine kicks 
in.)
Amazing: Uh oh. Wrong switch.
(A beam comes out of the machine which basically fries Captain 
Amazing into a man-shaped carbon chunk.)
Furious: Everybody heard me say "reset button", right?
Raja: Oh my God. Oh my God, we killed him.
Shoveler: (from his spot on the other side of the room) What do 
you mean "we"? I was right here.
Bowler: I'm gonna check his pulse. (she touches his wrist and the 
entire hand falls off and shatters) I don't think he's gonna pull 
through.
Shoveler: Shh--Somebody's coming. We gotta get out of here. 
Furious: C'mon, let's get out of here! Get out of here!
(Our heroes turn off the light and scramble out of a window. A fork 
falls from Raja's pocket and clatters to the floor.)
Casanova: Everybody should just keep holding their horses.
Furious: (to the others as they escape) Go go go go go.
(The lights are switched on, and everyone stares in horror at the 
charcoal briquette that was once Captain Amazing. Tony C steps 
up to examine him.)
Tony C: This sucker's dead.
Big Tobacco: What happened to him?
Casanova: As you can see, I have taken Captain Amazing out of the 
picture. It's time for us to rule! Tonight at midnight, I'm going to do 
to Champion City what I have done to its greatest superhero. And 
there'll still be time to go up, get down, and boogie!

[Outside mansion.]
(The seven heroes run across the lawn.)
Furious: Come on, let's get out of here!
Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?
Raja: Well there's been a bit of a cock-up.
Bowler: Raja murdered him!
Raja: What? I didn't murder anyone!
Furious: Guys, I think maybe we got a little bigger fish to fry right 
now. Like, what the hell was that machine in there?
Shoveler: I don't know. But I know where we can go to find out.

[Casanova's lab.]
(Casanova picks up finds the fork Raja had dropped.)
Casanova: The vermin are back, Tony.
Tony P: Vermin should be exterminated, Casanova.
Casanova: A fish fork is no match for my machine! But I think we 
should take out some insurance. Don't you think?

[Heller's lab.]
Heller: It's a psychofrakulator. It creates a cloud of radically 
fluctuating free-deviant chaotrons which penetrate the synaptic 
relays. It's concatenated with a synchronous transport switch that 
creates a virtual tributary. It's focused onto a biobolic reflector. It--
It--What happens is that hallucinations become reality, and the brain 
is literally fried from within.
Bowler: Where would you get something like that?
Heller: I don't know. They used to say it couldn't be built. The 
equations were so complex that most of the scientists that worked 
on it wound up in the insane asylum.
Furious: Which is where Casanova's been hanging out for the last 
20 years.
Spleen: If he turned that thing on the city, it'd waste everything in 
sight!
Bowler: Not "if". When.
Invisible Boy: We need Captain Amazing.
Raja: Yes but unfortunately, we just killed him.
Bowler: No, unfortunately, /you/ killed him, remember?
Invisible Boy: Just because you've been having problems at home 
doesn't mean you can go around killing people.
Bowler: "Oh sorry, Mummy, sorry. Oh! I'm English. Oh! I didn't 
mean it."
Spleen: K-I-L-L-E-D. You killed him.
Furious: You killed him. You did. You were the one who flicked 
the switch.
Spleen: It's the same difference! He's still dead!
Furious: Nobody...You did, kind of.
Raja: SPHINX!..Sphinx. What in heaven's name do we do?
Sphinx: Sometimes...the true hero is the one with the courage to 
run away.
Bowler: I like the way this man thinks.
Invisible Boy: Thank you. Let's run.
Shoveler: We can't run.
Bowler: Oh yes, oh yes. It has been established that we can run.
Shoveler: (indicates the bowl of egg salad he's been mixing) This is 
egg salad. It's loaded with cholesterol. The wife won't even let me 
touch it. Hardly seems to matter now, 'cause chances are we're 
already dead. Amazing is gone. There's no use waiting for the 
cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is us.
Invisible Boy: Well yeah but, I don't wanna get frakulated.
Bowler: Psychofrakulated.
Invisible Boy: We still get frakulated.
Shoveler: This is our fight, whether we like it or not. Just we few. 
We're not your classic superheroes. We're not the favorites. We're 
the other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on. But I'll tell you 
what I think. (to Bowler) I think you and that ball of yours have an 
appointment that you gotta keep. (to Invisible Boy) Invisible Boy, I 
think it's time you were seen. (to Sphinx) Sphinx, you have trained 
us well. (to Heller) And Dr. Heller, you might just have given us the 
edge we need. (to Spleen) And Spleen. I don't wanna stand behind 
you. But I'll fight beside you with pride. (to Raja) Jeff. You've got 
a rare and beautiful gift. The city needs you tonight. (to Furious) 
And Roy, in all the years I've known you, I've never seen you walk 
away from a fight. Why you lifted a city bus once, man. I think 
you've got what it takes to handle Casanova. (to everyone) We're 
all in over our heads and we know it. But if we take on this fight, 
those of us who survive it will forever after show our scars with 
pride and say, "That's right. I was there. I fought the good fight." 
So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some 
Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?
Raja: I say what the fork. Let's do it!
(All cheer.)

[Later, in the lab.]
Heller: If we're gonna bust into that mansion, you're gonna need 
more than a station wagon.
Furious: At the auto yard, there's this old Herkimer battle jitney. 
Sally's always telling me to "junk it!"
Heller: Wait. You have a Herkimer battle jitney?? That's the finest 
non-lethal military vehicle ever made!
Shoveler: All right, we'll meet at the junkyard. We'll go from there.
Raja: I--I--I shall need more forks, I'm afraid.
Shoveler: Those of you with loved ones, say good-bye before we 
go. You may not get another chance.
All: Zei gezunt.

[Raja's house.]
(Mother turns on the light, catching Raja rummaging through her 
silver drawer.)
Raja: (no British accent) Uh--Hey, Mom.
Mother: (looking at Raja's costume) Jeffrey, what are you doing?
Raja: Um. I was just um...I'm uh... (he bites the bullet, and dons 
his British accent) I'm a superhero, Mother.
Mother: A superhero?
Raja: An effete British superhero, to be precise. I am pilfering 
your tableware because I hurl it. I hurl it with a deadly accuracy. 
The Blue Raja is my name. And--Yes I know I don't wear very 
much blue, and I speak in a British accent. But if you know your 
history, it really does make perfect sense. The point is: Your boy's a 
Limey fork-flinger, Mother. Hard cheese to swallow, I know, but 
there it is. What will the bridge club think?
Mother: (looks at him a moment) ...You need more forks?

[Raja's attic.]
(Mother opens an old, fancy box. It is full of exquisite silver 
tableware.)
Raja: Oh!
Mother: These belonged to your great-great grandmother. I was 
saving these for your wedding day, but, from the looks of it, that 
day...it's probably a long way off.
Raja: (accent gone again) Oh, Mom you're...you're taking this 
incredibly well.
Mother: You know, I've always known you were special, Jeffrey 
but I--I just never realized /how/ special.
Raja: (taking the box) Well, I'd better get going. I've got a city to 
save.
Mother: Jeffrey.
Raja: Yeah?
Mother: Do the accent.
Raja: Oh. Uh. Well... (dons accent) Well I'd love to stay and 
chitchat Mother, but I fear I must away with me. Our metropolis is 
in the clutches of a madman.
Mother: Jeffrey? Cheerio.
Raja: (drops accent again) Mother I--I--I really should get going.
Mother: Oh, okay.
Raja: ...Thanks, Ma. (he gives her a kiss)

[Shoveler's bedroom.]
Lucille: I said I was gonna leave you, Eddie, and I meant it.
Shoveler: The city's in peril, Lucille. We're the best hope they've 
got.
Lucille: Eddie please don't start.
Shoveler: I don't expect you to believe me. I just came by to tell 
you...that I love you. Tell the kids I love 'em. And now...good bye.
Lucille: Good bye, Eddie. I won't be here when you come home.
Shoveler: Well, that's a chance I'm gonna have to take. Otherwise, 
there may not be a home to come back to. Wish me luck.

[Outside Monica's apartment building.]
(Monica steps out.)
Monica: Hi.
Furious: Hi.
Monica: You okay?
Furious: Yeah. I just wanted to say I had a great time tonight. And 
you were really nice to me. And I would love to uh, to ask you out 
sometime. But if I don't call you, I just want you to know it's 
because I'm dead.
Monica: Hmm.
Furious: Yeah. Me and my team, we're gonna take on Casanova 
Frankenstein. And uh, it's pretty much a suicide mission. So uh, if 
there is anything that you wanna say to me, I think now would 
probably be a good time to say it, just 'cause...
Monica: Okay, yeah. I got a question for you.
Furious: Cool. Kick it.
Monica: What's your name?
Furious: Do--Do you mean my secret identity? 'Cause I--
I...couldn't.
Monica: No, I just, you know, mean your name.
Furious: My name. Um, wow. Okay, uh...It's--It's Phoenix. Phoenix 
Dark. Dirk. Phoenix Dark-Dirk. I was uh...I was christened Dirk 
Steele, and I changed it to Phoenix.
Monica: For--Forget about it. It's...It's okay. (she turns to go)
Furious: It's Roy. That's--That's my name. My name is...My real 
name is Roy.
Monica: (comes back, and kisses him) Just...be...Roy. Okay.

[Junkyard.]
(Furious is sitting and babbling while Raja and Spleen stare at 
him.)
Furious: Roy. The Roy. Roy. Roy. I'm Roy. Yes, I'm Roy. Roy. 
Who is Roy? Roy is who?
Spleen: He's freaking out, man, he's freaking out!
Furious: Where's the guy who pretends not to be Roy? That's about 
all I know about Roy.
Raja: We've had quite enough of that old boy, just stop it. Just 
snap out of it. We're tired of it.
Furious: I'm a wanna-be. I am a wanna-be, a true wanna-be, in the 
worst sense of the--You guys are going to have to go fight this 
battle without me.
Spleen: You start doubting your superpowers, man, you are 
shafted!
Furious: If I had any superpowers to doubt I guess I would be in 
trouble, but I don't. I don't--I don't--What do I do? I go "Rarrr!"
Spleen: What are you talking about? You lifted a bus once!
Raja: Precisely! That story's legendary.
Furious: It was really more of a push, really, than a lift.
Spleen: Well that still takes incredible superhuman strength!
Raja: It does, to...push an entire bus out of the way.
Furious: Well, actually, the driver kind of had his foot on the 
accelerator--just in the beginning, just to get it going, then it 
actually was me. But he kinda...
Raja: Oh shit.
(Spleen suddenly farts, and something burning ignites it into a small 
fireball.)
Spleen: Excuse me.
(On top of the Herkimer, Heller is explaining an add-on to Invisible 
Boy.)
Heller: It's a process which results in an accelerated flow of 
electrons that creates such a powerful magnetic force.
Invisible Boy: This is basically like a huge electromagnet.
Heller: Well, actually it's an electro-nuclear-magnet. It's the next 
inevitable phase.
Shoveler: Vis, can you close up those jockey boxes?
Invisible Boy: Right on it.
Shoveler: Let's get suited up. We're outta here in five. (To Spleen, 
Raja, and Furious) It's time. Let's go.

[The heroes, in their spiffy new costumes, line up for a heroic 
walking shot complete with smoke and lightning. Furious makes an 
escape attempt and is dragged along by Spleen and Raja.]

[Inside Herkimer.]
Spleen: Shotgun!
Raja: I've already called it, didn't I? Have a seat, my friend.
Shoveler: Everybody ready? And we have liftoff!
Raja: May the forks be with us!

[Outside Herkimer.]
(The Herk lunges forward impressively, then dies.)
Shoveler: Sorry. Too much throttle.
Furious: That's cool. I'm just gonna...I'm gonna go.
Bowler: No, sit down!
Shoveler: All right, here we go!
(The Herk lumbers off.)
Heller: Vaya con Dios.

[Inside Herkimer.]
Shoveler: Come on, somebody do something, we need him.
Bowler: Okay. Okay, let's do this. You're a very furious man, you 
understand that?
Furious: No.
Bowler: No? Well you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell 
you why: You're not well-liked. You're uh, you're abrasive and off-
putting. You try and say pithy things, but your wit is a hinderance 
and therefore nothing is provocative. Just mixed metaphors. Now, 
doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?
Furious: No.
Bowler: Well it should! Aren't you angry? Come on, man!
Shoveler: Your penmanship is atrocious!
Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!
Furious: Get real! I have no powers! I have no powers whatsoever!
Invisible Boy: If he's got no powers, maybe I've got no powers! 
Maybe I can't turn invisible at all.
Sphinx: Do not go there, my son. When you doubt your powers, 
you give power to your doubts.
Raja: Um, I don't mean to be alarmist, but it's half eleven already. 
Thirty minutes 'til Casanova blows up the city.
Shoveler: All right, now listen. We've got a blind date with destiny,
and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. Hang on! We're gonna 
ram the gate!
(They crash through the front gate to Casanova's mansion.)
Shoveler: What do you think? Should we knock or just let 
ourselves in?

[Inside mansion.]
(The Herk crashes through the side of the mansion, right into the 
party. The gangmembers all dive for cover, then whip out their 
guns and open fire.)
Invisible Boy: (peeks out of Herk's topside hatch, and ducks back down)
They're shooting!
Bowler: I hope this magnet thing works!
(Bowler activates the electromagnet. All metal in the room, 
including the guns, are stuck to it.)
Shoveler: It's working!
Casanova: (ushering gangmembers out of the room) Go! Go! 
Quickly! Everybody, into the Disco Room! Everyone, through here. 
Keep moving. Focus, people, focus. Let's go. Go! Go!
Bowler: (peeks out of Herk) Hello?
(The gangmembers have all made it into the Disco Room except 
one of the Disco Boys, who had been knocked out by a flying metal 
statuary before. Casanova activates some kind of pulsating light 
over the doorway, then closes the door of the Disco Room.)
Disco Boy: Wait!
(He attempts to run to the door but the pulsating light lets out a 
beam that vaporizes him into a pile of ash.)
Spleen: Laser eye.
Raja: I knew I should have brought my large pie server.
Shoveler: If we can't get through that door, this battle is over.
Invisible Boy: This is it. My time has come. (he starts to walk 
slowly towards the door)
Raja: What are you talking about?
Spleen: Wait--Invisible Boy! Wait a minute!
Furious: I wouldn't do that if--
Raja: Come back here, son, you'll be cremated.
Invisible Boy: It's all about me now. I'm the only one that can save 
us.
Shoveler: He's right. Good luck, son.
Invisible Boy: Nobody look at me.
Shoveler: Don't look at him, or it won't work!
(They all turn their backs.)
Invisible Boy: I am transparent. I am like the window. I am see-
through. I'm like Saran Wrap...
(And he does indeed disappear, going insubstantial, leaving his 
clothes behind. A moment later, the Laser Eye is turned off.)
Invisible Boy: I did it! I'm invisible! I really do have super powers! 
Can you see me?
All: (turning and seeing him naked and very visible) Yes.
Furious: Oh yeah. Wow.
Raja: Two hands there, son.
Bowler: Maybe, you should put some shorts on or something, if 
you want to keep fighting evil today.

[Disco Room.]
Casanova: Furriers, you will stay here and delay the attackers. The 
Not-So-Goody Mob, you will fight them from behind. The rest of 
you, into the atrium. And spread yourself out for a second wave of 
attack.

[Outside Disco Room.]
Sphinx: The door! Door!
Shoveler: On three. One...two...three!
(They push the heavy door open and are confronted by the 
Furriers.)
Shoveler: Shrink 'em.
(Sphinx turns the Shrinker on the Furriers, and they writhe on the 
ground in agony as their scanty clothes shrink rapidly.)
Raja: Oh I say--they've gone from junior to missy petite.
Bowler: Now that's a wedgie she won't soon forget.
Furious: My pants feel like they're shrinking too.
(The Not-So-Goody Mob is converging around the corner.)
NSGM: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! This way!
Furious: Blame Thrower!
Spleen: Look out!
(Spleen leans around the corner and turns the Blame Thrower on 
the Mob.)
NSGM #1: (distorted voice) Yo, yo, I got a bone to pick with you, 
Homeboy.
NSGM #2: (distorted voice) Hold it, hold it, hold it, Little Daddy.
NSGM #4: (distorted voice) You know what? Y'all make me sick.
(The Not-So-Goody Mob take off, fighting amonst themselves. Big 
Tobacco reaches around the corner and snatches the Blame 
Thrower from Spleen.)
Big Tobacco: Give me that gun!
Bowler: Hey!
(She K.O.'s Big Tobacco with her bowling bag.)
(Some Disco Boys dash in through a door.)
Shoveler: I got 'em!
Disco Boys: Disco forever!
(They run off, pursued by Shoveler.)
Sphinx: Invisible Boy, Spleen! The Susies!
(Invisible Boy and Spleen head back to the dining room. Shoveler 
fights the Disco Boys, knocking them all out. Finally, Tony C is the 
only one left. But he is too fast for Shoveler's shovel.)
Tony C: Dig this, Shovel Man!
(But Shoveler has been hiding a second weapon--a trowel--in his 
belt. Using it to disarm Tony C, he konks him over the head with 
his big shovel.)
(Invisible Boy and Spleen hide under the staircase.)
Invisible Boy: Duck, it's the Susies!
Susies: Get the guns! They're stuck!
Spleen: Coast clear?
Susies: Shoot anyways!
(The Susies fire their guns from the top of the Herkimer, aiming for 
Invisible Boy and Spleen.)
Spleen: I'm scared!
Invisible Boy: No, you're not scared! Be strong. Be strong.
Spleen: I /am/ scared!
Invisible Boy: No you're not, you're not. Now, say it with me, "I 
ain't scared of no Susies."
Spleen: I /am/ scared of the Susies!
Invisible Boy: Say "I'm not scared of no Susies."
Spleen: I /am/ scared of the Susies!
Invisible Boy: You're not scared--Are you ready?
Spleen: (gets his nerve back) ...Let's go!
(Invisible Boy and Spleen run out from under the staircase, still 
being shot at by the Susies. They make a running leap for safety.)
Invisible Boy: Dive! Dive!
(While sliding over a table, Spleen takes a bullet to the rear. He and 
Invisible Boy hide behind the table)
Spleen: Ah! I'm hit! I'm hit!
Invisible Boy: Where? Where?
Spleen: I'm hit! Medic! Medic! Man down! Man down! I can't feel 
my ass!
Invisible Boy: What?
Spleen: I can't feel my ass!
Invisible Boy: What?
Spleen: I can't feel my ass!!
Invisible Boy: Your powers still work?
Spleen: My...powers?
Invisible Boy: Yeah.
Spleen: Weapons check!
(They peer over the table at the Susies, who are waiting for them to 
come back out.)
Spleen: Fire in the hole! Pull!
(Spleen aims over the table, and Invisible Boy pulls his fingers. His 
attack knocks every one of the Susies unconcious.)
Spleen: It'll do. (passes out)
Invisible Boy: Spleen!
(On the other side of staircase:)
Bowler: Go check on Spleen, okay?
Furious: Okay, all right.
Bowler: Thank you, thank you.
(Tony P appears at the top of the stairs.)
Bowler: You oughta run, Tony P.
Tony P: You can't hurt me, Baby Bowler. 'Cause I'm protected by 
the god of hair care. (demonstrates his flaming hairspray) And it's 
time to send you back to your daddy.
Bowler: (pulling Carmine out of his bag) You killed my father.
Tony P: That's right. 'Cause I'm a killer. (Carmine flies out of the 
room on his own, and around behind the other side of the stairs) 
And you're not. Let's face it, kid...You don't have the guts to kill 
me.
Bowler: You're right. I don't have the guts to kill you. Because I'm 
better than you. Yeah, that's right. A lot better. You know, I may 
even find the courage to forgive you someday.
(Carmine flies around, slamming into Tony P and driving him 
partway through a wall.)
Bowler: Oh! Carmine, on the other hand, feels differently than I do 
about forgiveness.
(Carmine rolls into his bag, and Bowler picks it up.)
Bowler: (into bag) Okay, now I'm going back to graduate school. /That/
was the agreement.
(Our heroes regroup.)
Invisible Boy: We're doin' it! We're winning! We're gonna pull this 
off!
(Casanova steps out onto a balcony overlooking the heroes. He has 
Monica in his grip, a wicked-looking goldpainted fingernail pressed 
to her neck.)
Casanova: I wouldn't be so sure about that. Tell your funny-looking 
friends to put down their weapons, Mr. Furious.
Monica: Just get out of here, he's crazy! Save yourselves.
Casanova: Put them down or I will slash your girlfriend's pretty 
little throat.
Furious: Eddie, Jeff, do what he says!
(Shoveler puts down his shovel, but Raja merely makes his 
silverware vanish down his sleeves.)
Casanova: Thank you. It's so easy to get the best of people when 
they care about eachother. Which is why evil will always have the 
edge. You good guys are always so bound by the rules.
(Casanova throws a switch on the balcony, and blue electricity arcs 
through the staircase, killing the Frat Boys, who were standing 
there.)
Casanova: You see, I kill my own men. And lucky me...I get the 
girl.
Furious: No!!
Casanova: (to Monica) Don't worry. It will all be over so very 
quickly.
(Furious tries to scramble up the wall to get to Casanova but it is 
hopeless. Raja, however, begins shooting forks from under his 
sleeve, making handholds in the wall. Furious climbs them and 
jumps onto the balcony.) 
Furious: Ha!
Casanova: What are you doing?
Furious: They must have ripped the "Q" section out of my 
dictionary--'Cause I don't know the meaning of the word "quit"!
(Casanova hisses, and slashes at him with his fingernail.)
Furious: Ow! Ow! Oh, you want a little fisticuffs? Okay.
(He and Casanova spar off.)
Raja: Get him. Get him, Roy.
Furious: Ooh oooh. Oooh, ooh.
Shoveler: Come on, Roy! Roy, Roy, come on!
(It strikes midnight. A large circular area in the floor opens, and the 
psychofrakulator--directly below--begins to power up.)
Spleen: It's the funkyskunkulator!
Shoveler: We've got to stop it!
Bowler: (to Raja) Don't touch any toggles.
Furious: Rage...taking over...
Casanova: Ya ya ya, we've heard all that before.
Furious: No no no...Rage /really/ taking over.
(Casanova lunges at Furious, who manages to hurl Casanova over 
the balcony and directly into the psychofrakulator, which melts 
him.)
Furious: Frak-you later, Frankenpuss. Yeah! 
(Furious takes Monica in his arms and leaps from the balcony all the 
way down to the floor below.)
Furious: (to Monica) Get out of here!
(Monica flees from the mansion.)
Shoveler: Hit the deck!
Invisible Boy: How do we shut this thing down?
Furious: Group hug!
Sphinx: Yeah!
Invisible Boy: Yeah!
(They huddle together just like while in training, and with their 
combined weight are able to get close to the hole in the floor.)
Sphinx: Okay!
Shoveler: Yeah!
Bowler: Hurry up!
Furious: Get her closer to the hole!
(Bowler unzips her bag and takes Carmine out.)
Bowler: Dad, this is the way it has to be! The upshot is, you won't 
be killed because you're already dead. No, I'm not going with you. 
If there's a time for seperation, let me tell you something, this is it. 
All right, lift me up!
Furious: Push her up!
Shoveler: Help me lift her up. Help her!
Invisible Boy: You can do it, hold on!
Furious: Do it! Do it!
(They lift her up towards the hole.)
Bowler: I love you, Dad!
(She throws Carmine down into the hole, and he zooms around, 
smashing the machine.)
Shoveler: Run! Run!
Invisible Boy: Let's get out of here!
Raja: Run!
Invisible Boy: Watch out!
(They all flee from the mansion as the entire place collapses in upon 
itself. At the last second we see Carmine, cracked and flaming, fly 
out after them.)

[Outside mansion.]
(The press has gathered.)
Becky: Noone could survive the chaos we've just witnessed here. 
But as the dust begins to settle over the ruins of Casanova's 
mansion, the question remains: Who were these brave heroes that 
gave their lives to save our city tonight?
Heller: (in his lab, watching the TV) Did that frakulator work or 
what? What's the deal there?
Man in crowd: Look, something's moving. People are coming out.
(Our heroes emerge from the smoke, battered and bruised.)
Another man in crowd: Could you tell us what's going on?
Becky: Hi, hello, excuse me. Excuse me. Can you--can you tell us 
what happened here tonight?
Invisible Boy: We did it!
Bowler: We won!
Heller: (in his lab) Hey that's my team!
Bowler: We won.
Heller: (in his lab) That's my team!
Shoveler: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of 
teamwork. And the hammer of not...bickering.
Sphinx: We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.
Becky: Who are you guys?
Lucille: (watching TV at home, to kids) It's okay.
Shoveler: They call me the Shoveler.
Roland: (at home) That's my dad!
Lucille: (at home) My hero.
Bowler: I'm the Bowler. Hello? Hello?
Man: What's the deal with the forks?
Raja: Blue Raja, master of silverware. Hi Mom. Uh--I 
mean...Cheerio, Mummy.
Mother: (in her home watching the TV) Oh...Jeffrey.
Becky: And you, sir? What's your name and what's your 
superpower?
Furious: Um. My name's Roy, and uh, I'm in a super amount of pain 
right now. Could you please leave me alone?
Monica: His name's Mr. Furious, and his power comes from his 
boundless rage.
Shoveler: Excuse me...Could I say something? I think we would all 
like this victory to go out to...all the other guys. And I'm talking 
'bout the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but 
never get any credit. Like the lady in the D.M.V. That's a rough 
job.
Invisible Boy: To the people that remember jingles from tons of old 
commercials.
Bowler: And people who support local music and seek out 
independant film.
Shoveler: And the guy that drives the snow plow. And the school 
nurse--
Furious: Eddie--Eddie! I think they get the point.
Becky: What's the name of this group?
Invisible Boy: The Super Dudes!
Bowler: No no no, not the Super Dudes.
Furious: We're not the Super Dudes. We don't have a name yet but, 
we're definitely not the Super Dudes. I gotta get home, it's late.
Bowler: (as a newspaper photographer approaches) Picture, picture 
time!
Becky: Well whatever you call them, Champion City will forever 
owe a debt of gratitude to these mystery men.
Sphinx: Wait! Wait, that's it. We are the Super Squad.
Bowler: No, no. Please, no. Alliteration in these situations is 
corny...What? (She opens her bag, where Carmine sits 
smouldering) Yes we're all very aware that you saved the day. And 
I'm sure we'll be hearing about it for the rest of our lives.
(She shuts the bag in disgust and walks off.)

[End titles.]

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