"Disneymoto's Dlarkring Ruck"

script by
Sophie Dean and Cynthia "Sparky" Read

INT SHOT/DAY

Set of Darkwing Duck. The normal backdrop has been replaced with a big sheet of butcher paper with an array of lines drawn on it, presumably with a black marker.

The actors, DARKWING, BUSHROOT, LIQUIDATOR, MEGAVOLT, LAUNCHPAD, and QUACKERJACK wander on with their morning coffee.

DARKWING
Morning.

MEGAVOLT
What happened to the old set?

BUSHROOT
Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that this
was one of those cheap Japanese cartoons.

DARKWING
(loudly, in the direction of the rafters)
Hey, what happened to the old set? Alan! Hey Alan,
are you there?

VOICE
(with a thick Japanese accent)
This new set.

LAUNCHPAD
Tad? Is that you?

VOICE
Not Tad. Not Alan. This new producer.

Everyone is suprised, and shrug at eachother.

PRODUCER
Praces! Praces!

Start normal opening sequence of Darkwing Duck show. A few seconds into it there is a shot of DARKWING wielding his gas gun heroically. At this point the Disney background flickers for a moment, only to be replaced with the butcher paper backdrop.

MEGAVOLT
(popping in at bottom of screen)
What is this?

MEGAVOLT peels a line off of the paper, and it hangs between his fingers like cooked spaghetti.

PRODUCER
It cheap anime blackglound.

DARKWING
What?

PRODUCER
Oh, I forget to tell. You been bought out by cheap
Japanese animator. You now Disneymoto cheaper
version Dlarkring Ruck.

NEGADUCK runs in, throwing his coat to the ground. He is out of breath.

NEGADUCK
Oh, hey, sorry I'm late, but my car--What happened
to the old set?

QUACKERJACK pulls his puppet, a banana with arms and legs, out of his pocket and "speaks" through it to NEGADUCK:

MR. BANANA BRAIN
We've been bought out by cheap Japanese animators!

PRODUCER
Oh, branna! Import tax, too spensive. He fryered.

QUACKERJACK
What?!

PRODUCER
Fryered. Import tax. Too spensive.

NEGADUCK
(flipping through script)
Oh, today's a Fearsome Five episode.

PRODUCER
Oh, no Flearsome Frive. Too spensive. Today Terrible Two.

NEGADUCK
What? Why?

PRODUCER
You splecial effrects. Too spensive.

BUSHROOT
Well, who's getting cut?

PRODUCER
You, the pluddle, and Splarky.

MEGAVOLT
Don't call me Splarky! And what's the matter with
my special effects?

MEGAVOLT melts LAUNCHPAD's coffee mug with a bolt of lighning.

PRODUCER
Oh, stop it! You too spensive. Terrible Two. Is cheap.

NEGADUCK
Hey! I'm not cheap!

PRODUCER
You rill be. No splecial effrects.

LIQUIDATOR
(in his watery voice)
I knew I should have gone Union.

PRODUCER
Hey, you! You voice! Too spensive. I say you fryered.

LIQUIDATOR
Hey! You can't do that!
(he jabs a finger accusingly at the rafters)

PRODUCER
Oooh, splecial effrects! You move! You fryered. Get
away from cramera.

MEGAVOLT, BUSHROOT, and LIQUIDATOR leave the set dejectedly.

PRODUCER
Praces! Praces! All light now, we film scene with Terrible
Two first. Get leady for crues...Crue Dlarkring Ruck!

DARKWING
(leaping onto a chalk X on the floor)
...I am the terror that flaps in the night!

PRODUCER
Oooh, no! No tellor that fraps! Is too many rines!
Too spensive.

DARKWING
(noticing that there is now a large cork in
the muzzle of his gas gun)
Hey!! What happened to my gas gun?

PRODUCER
Oooh, is plop-gun. Is cheap.

DARKWING
"I am the terror that pops?!"

PRODUCER
Oh, no terror that plops! Say "Howdy!" Is cheap.
Crue Dlarkwing!

DARKWING
Er...Howdy! Suck...uh...gas, evildoers!

PRODUCER
Oh, no suck grass!

MEGAVOLT
(poking his head into the picture)
"Suck grass?"
(he is yanked OS)

PRODUCER
Too many lines--too spensive! Say "Stop!"
Crue Dlarkwing!

DARKWING
(exhasperated)
Howdy! Stop!

LAUNCHPAD
(arriving in the Thunderquack)
I thought you might be able to use some backup, D.W.

PRODUCER
Oh, no Thundercrack.

MEGAVOLT
(poking his head into the picture)
"Crack?"
(he is yanked OS)

PRODUCER
Burgandy paint to hard to mix. Too spensive.

LAUNCHPAD
But this is my plane! I built it! If my plane goes,
I go!

PRODUCER
Oh, you both fryered. You talk too much anyway.
Crue Dlarkring!

DARKWING
(leaning boredly on the set)
Howdy! Stop!

NEGADUCK
(leaping onto another chalk X on the floor)
Kiss hot molten death, Deadbeat Duck!

PRODUCER
Oh no, too rong. Just say "Brang brang, you dead!"
Crue Dlarkring!

DARKWING
(sitting down in a director's chair, which says "Donald")
Howdy. Stop.

NEGADUCK
(producing a flame thrower from his cape)
Bang bang, you're dead!

PRODUCER
Oh no, is that frame-thlower? Too spensive. You get
wet trowel.
(a sopping dishtowel falls from the rafters and
knocks off NEGADUCK's hat)
Crue Dlarkring!

DARKWING
(as the makeup girl gives him a manicure)
Howdy stop.

NEGADUCK
Bang bang you're dead.
(he wrings the towel)

PRODUCER
Oh, no move! Too spensive! And try not move rips!

NEGADUCK
Uh...Okay...
(stiff-lipped)
Quackerjack, come finish him off!

QUACKERJACK
(bounding in with a set of toy novelty teeth in one hand)
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! It's Plaaaytime!!

PRODUCER
Oh, no Praytime! Is too spensive! And no crackey
teeth. They move too much! They flyered. And you move
rips. You big rips. Is way too spensive.

QUACKERJACK pulls on his jester's cap in frustration.

PRODUCER
Oh, no! You move. Crosts money. We'd fryer you,
but you cheap villain. No splecial effrects. You big rips,
though. No move rips--we go blanklupt.

DARKWING
(combing his hair)
Hey, don't we get a break or something?

PRODUCER
Oh, no blake. Not unress you go Union.

NEGADUCK
We demand a break!

PRODUCER
...A stlike?

QUACKERJACK
Yeah, a stlike!

QUACKERJACK pulls out MR. BANANA BRAIN; novelty teeth chase eachother across the set; the Thunderquack zips by; BUSHROOT makes a tree grow out of the dressing room; the LIQUIDATOR splashes around; MEGAVOLT blows up the coffee maker.

PRODUCER
Oh, no! Too spensive! Too spensive! Too many splecial
effrects! He move rips. We go blanklupt! Sell Disney stock!
Sell, sell! Disneymoto too spensive! We invest in something else!

NEGADUCK
Ha! They'll never try to buy out any American cartoon company
again! Well, see you tommorrow.

The actors leave. The maintenence crew comes in and starts peeling the lines off the butcher paper.

The credits scroll up, handwritten on a roll of butcher paper that's being pulled past the camera.

PRODUCER
(VO)
Oh, no "Wrat's up, Doc!" Is too spensive. Say "Howdy!"
And no lifle, too spensive! You get lubber brand! And
no "Sluffering Sluccotash!" Sluccotash too spensive to
make. Use "Sluffering Flankfurter!" Is easy to get! Is
cheap! Oh, this good! There no splecial effrects! Acmre
good! Acmre genelic! Is cheap already! Now we have enough
money to monopolize market on fork! Crue pig! Oh,
no "Rat's all folks!" Too spensive. Say "Brye brye!"

Cheap-sounding Warner Bros. ending theme on synthesizer, followed by a gong.

FADE OUT

Heh heh...

All characters copyright ©Disney, except the Producer, who is copyright ©Sophie Dean. Story copyright ©1992 Sophie Dean and Cynthia "Sparky" Read.

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